Self Destruction....

For the first time in a long time i'm struggling to put my thoughts into writing. So much has happened in the past couple of days that i can hardly believe it. Emotions are literally running wild. I can't understand what i'm feeling anymore. Some romantics might say that i'm in love, but i believe its just another bout of some sort of schizophrenia. May i be wrong for once.

Its like a chain reaction, no, a circle when i think of her. First i ask myself if i should trust her with my feelings. I know i should, i know i can. But i keep asking the same questions, does she understand me really ??, what if she betrays my trust ??, what if i end up betraying her ??, what if i don't understand her ??, then i come back to the first one can i trust her ?? My mind is constantly in this endless loop, thats driving me crazy, even more than i already am.

Maybe i don't understand her. Anyway its a well known fact that guys can never understand girls. We may be alike me but she is ultimately a girl. The law of non-understandability will apply to her as well. So i give up ?? Hardly. Let it be the last thing i do, let it be a path of self destruction but i will try to make this girl happy. I'll try to make someone happy for a change, i'll make someone not be disappointed in me for a change. But thats just talk, false bravado, i don't have the slightest idea how i'll do that.

I have a knack for ruining things that are going perfectly well. I guess i'm a classic example of "you don't know what you got till its gone" because i certainly don't. I'm my parents son after all. I guess i'm doomed to spend my life alone in a room full of books and computers. No i'm not doomed, thats what i'll do so that i'm not a burden on anyone else anymore......