Guilt and Closure

When you lose someone, you're broken. You have nothing you want more than that person you had. You want her to come running back. You want to go running back to her. It's a normal reaction. Until you accept that your breaking up was probably for the best and these feelings aren't healthy. After your revelation you try your best not to give in, to never let yourself think that way. Just when you're about to succeed, about to forget the pain, she comes back, wanting you back.
What are you supposed to do? Give in to those ancient desires or think with your head and not let that happen? Try to make her understand that it's over. She has to move on. What if she refuses to move on? What if the whole episode leaves you with a feeling of guilt? What do you do then? After all, you don't want her to ruin her life over you.
You don't stop caring, ever. It was a part of your life and you don't want it to haunt you for the rest of your life. You want closure. But closure isn't for you alone. Like the chapter, even at the close your lives are intertwined. One's closure without the other's is incomplete and the best you can hope is that both of you get it as soon as possible.

Hope is a Bitch

I don't ever remember being happy. Not that I haven't been happy, I just don't remember those moments. Part of the reason is that nobody ever tries to understand when I'm not happy, or they fail if they try. And I seem to concentrate on those faults more than the joys. Now I don't expect anyone to understand me or try to understand me. But there's still the hope. It stays there, always.
That little thing that keeps you pining for a better tomorrow is hope. That little thing that keeps you alive is hope. And that little thing that causes your heart to break again and again is also hope. Hope is the most illogical feelings of all. There's no reason to have hope, but you need it and you find it, just to prevent yourself from imploding. Yet it's hope that makes you cry, when things don't go your way (even when you don't expect them too).
Hope is a reflection of your desires. You always have desires, therefore you always have hope. Since you have hope, you invariably have disappointments. Still all you have is hope. All you have is a hope that your other hopes don't prove to be unfounded. But in all likelihood, all you'll find is that hope is a bitch. Then you'll hope that hope doesn't break you.
Well, that's just sad.

Love Bites

What a beautiful feeling it is, being loved. It seems if you could freeze that one moment for all eternity, you would, without a second thought. Of course you'd want change (you always do), but you feel invincible to all that could and should affect you at that moment. It's the one thing you ever wanted and nothing else matters. Next thing you know, it's all gone. All you felt proud of, all that you loved.

You're left with nothing but hurtful sweet memories that make you blanch as soon as you're done revelling. You feel cold when you realize you'll never do all the things again that you used to do in your most treasured moments. It may have been beyond your control, what happened, but no matter how much you tell yourself that, you aren't quite convinced. You'll always feel that something could've been done, that it didn't have to end this way.

But end it did and end it had to, because everything ends and there's zilch you can do about it. You start to think that it was inevitable really. Things had started to go downhill a long time ago. There were things you chose to ignore, things you couldn't possibly live with. You were fighting more and more each day, why you broke up was only an excuse. When you're in a relationship, you have to make compromises. How well the relationship works depends on how much you can live with. Sometimes you have to go just too far.

All this time, these past couple of months, I've spent trying to figure out just what went wrong. What could have I done differently. Could I have saved this? The sad answer is yes. If I hadn't been so rigid, if I hadn't been so obsessive about things that shouldn't even matter it could've turned out different. But what's done is done. All there's left to do is move on and hope it all turns out for the best.

All this time, and that's the best I can come up with. That's all the emotional reaction I can cough up. And all I have learned is that I have problems that need solutions before I should start again.

Back again!

I have been ignoring this blog for the past two years. And I don't feel right about that. That's the thing, I seem to live my life the wrong way. Consequences can go to hell, I'm gonna live the way I am living. I realize that's not right, but what am I to do about it? I seem to be far too weak to change anything.
I am sorry about ignoring this blog, and I am sorry to all the readers I may still have. You keep coming back for only two possible reasons, either you're in love with me or you're the same cold, dark and cynical personality that I am. If the former, you're better off finding some other obsession, I am not worth your time, believe me. The latter? Welcome to the club and a warning, you're not like to find any solutions to your problems on this rant page, I'm sorry (again).
A lot has happened since I last posted here. I think I had what I wanted and I blew it. Everything. I am disappointing in college to say the least and I seem to be regressing into the angst laden life I had when I started blogging. Since it helped last time, I supposed I should return to familiar territory to find myself again. Well, here I am.
Until next time!