So, for the last 4 or 5 days, i've really been studying for the first time in two years. A new phone is more important to me than a selection. But, the atmosphere at home is discouraging. All the fucking time i hear the same words, study, its important, don't waste time etc. They never seem to be satisfied do they ?? Let me tell you, i ain't gonna forget this ever. I've had enough.
Sometimes i think that my parents are like politicians. They never seem to get enough of what they have. Politicians never get enough of power, never get tired of destroying the lives of thousands of people and my parents never get enough of me studying. Every sentence consists of one of the words "study" "important" "selection" "timewaste" or "timepass". So has been always. I can't recall talkin about anything else with my parents. Well, maybe i have a bad memory.
The one thing that hurts most is that they don't seem to care about anything else other than studying. Even when i won something for the first time and i was proud of something for the first time, all my mother says is "don't waste time on this, study now". Goddamn it, why the facade then ?? Why always saying that what matters is who you are ?? Clearly, you don't care who i am ! All you care is how much i score. I've heard all this bullshit so much that i don't trust my own parents anymore. Well, if you can't trust your parents, who can you trust ??
Whenever i try to share this with someone, they're always saying that parents don't mean any harm, they want you to be happy. As much as i want to believe it, i don't see any of it. If they really mean all that then they're method to show it certainly very wrong. Because i don't feel assured in anyway that they mean good. All my "friends" can't understand what the big deal is. Why am i always so uptight. Well, they tell roughly the same stories as me of home. But they are always punctuated by "they want us to be happy". I've always believed that actions speak louder than words. If thats right then you don't have to say these lines again and again. You should be happy if they care for your happiness. Or maybe i've crossed the line and have become a full-fledged cynic, even a schizophrenic. Maybe i can't see the good in things. But anybody's gonna have a hard time convincing me.
Another bad thing i've noticed is that nobody starts a chat with me. Its always me that has to be the one to say hi or something. Maybe everybody's gotten bored with me just rambling on always on the same topic. My life is all about this topic so i'm sorry i can't talk about anything else. For that i concede i have no one but myself to blame. I turn down every opportunity to go out because then wouldn't wanna come back.
As a result, i'm reduced to a poor lonely soul who doesn't trust anybody to understand him and doesn't expect anyone to try and understand him. It wasn't always like this. Until about two years ago i enjoyed being alone, enjoyed being called a loner. It gave me a sense of freedom, a feeling that told me that i'm not like everybody else. I didn't need anybody to hold me. But that changed within a couple of months. Yeah, normally such things happen only when you meet a girl.
She showed me how good companionship could be. How good it could be to have someone at hand who'd care about you and who'd try to understand you. For good measure i am happy that it finished. I didn't know how to confide, how to trust. I don't think i know how to do that even now. What i know now is that no relationship can be sustained with secrets. So, i know how bad it must've been for her. But what she did was make me realise that i couldn't be alone for all my life. I needed someone to trust, someone to confide in.
So, now i sit craving for nice company and acting love guru which i don't think i have any right to. But this blog is just a public diary to me, so i have the right to act like whatever i want to and that is freedom.
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