29.7.10

College finally started and well, i don't know what to make of it....Nothing much is like i thought it would be. Its crazy, absolutely. Past six months i've never been this lost for words....i guess all new experiences are like this. Damn i hate not knowing, most of all not knowing how i'm feeling.

Well, the classes are pretty much boring till now. Nothing new taught yet, so thats pretty much explainable. Python is simple till now, based pretty much on c++, its not a problem. The other subjects, discrete maths and digital circuits, i'm not sure what to expect and i'm hoping that i get through them somehow. System Management i'm quite sure i'm gonna like, so its not likely to be a problem.

Well thats enough about academic life. Its going on like it always has with little change. Personal life, well that's the same too. I'm still longing for close company. I'm still a goner when it comes to social interaction and well that pretty much seals it doesn't it ?? Literally.

So, i'm on with my life, trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do. Trying to second guess my own decisions. Drowning in self-doubt and loathing my incompetence at pretty much everything. Sure, life is beautiful !!

Themes Page

My themes page : nexus11themes.blogspot.com

24.7.10

Its been quite some time i've written anything here....I've been kinda busy with college starting and me venturing into theme making. I'll post the first two tomorrow for symbian series 60 3rd edition.

But today, i'm once again in a morbid mood. This has been happening a lot less these days but it seems that these periods are more intense now. Maybe that's nature's way of keeping things in equilibrium. Maybe i'm "destined" to have a larger part of unhappiness among my emotions than other people. For that God, i'm gonna sue you ! Yeah, i guess i do believe in God. Not the usual meaning but since i don't have a word for what i believe in, i'll just call it God.

I don't know whether i've mentioned it before here, but i might have said that i'm searching for something. And i might have said i don't know what i'm searchin for, it could be an object, some person or maybe even a goddamn piece of technology. But now i'm thinking, thats the wrong question i'm asking myself. What i'm really searching for is a happy ending. Thats morbid alright. People usually strive for a happy life. All their actions are governed by this very goal. I have a twisted expectation from life, I wanna die happy. Sure i want to live a happy life, i want to love someone, i wanna do something good in life but strangely all this has a lower precedence in my mind than dying happily.

I can't explain this. Probably because there doesn't exist an explanation other than my possible insanity. But, suddenly i've realised that all my dreams, all my romanticisms always have a common theme, i'm dying. Sometimes i'm on a bed with my family around me sincerely sad that i'm dying. Hell, sometimes i've just done a superhero act and i'm dying. Does anybody else ever had such visions ?? Or am i the only one ?? Well, like they say no two people think alike, i'm hoping that isn't true. It seems death is magnetic. It is for me. Because all i do, there always is the thought of death, no matter how small, in my mind. Is that some sort of a premonition or am i simply mad ?? I guess the latter, but i hope the former.....

But this isn't what's killing me. What kills me is my sinusoidal graph of happiness, with the y-axis as happiness and x-axis as time. It probably is the same for everyone but for me, it seems the amplitude is too high and the frequency too high. Is that how i'll live or will my wave-form ever lose some energy and give me a less painful existence ?? I guess we'll just hafta see....

13.07.10

I've got only two words for myself "i suck". I can't do anything right. I can't make any fucking person feel good, let alone feel happy. But what can i do ?? I've got nothing to lose, and well, nothing to gain either. I'm a castaway of society. People like me usually end up in mental correctional facilities. Maybe i'll end up the same way....
There's something thats killing me. Yes, its a girl. Its gotta be. There's nothing else but love, in this world, to die for. Knowing that she doesn't feel the same way wouldn't hurt me so much as it does when she even refuses to believe me. Am i such a bad person that nobody's willing to believe that i may for once have feelings for someone ?? Perhaps its a shell i've created myself. Perhaps i AM evil. I don't deserve any happiness, coz i'm not capable of giving it to anyone. Yes, thats gotta be it.
I'm a social misfit. All i'm capable of is criticising others, while i lose everything that's dear to me. Maybe that's what i'll do ever in this life. I'll have to stay alone, moan in self pity and drive myself insane to stop other people, people i care about get hurt. I am doomed to loneliness, and that's one fact i can't accept despite it being the truth.....

12.07.10

For the past year, couple of years....i don't know how long.....it seems a tape is being played again and again, over and over apparently continuously in my head...."why am i not happy ?? coz i'm incapable of feeling happiness....why am i not happy ?? coz i'm incapable of feeling happiness...." I don't know how correct or incorrect that is, but it seems to be the only explanation.
For a long time i've debated myself, tried to convince myself that someday i'll meet someone who'll make me feel happy. But it doesn't happen. Never has, never will. Its always just a couple of moments of joy and happiness, then i collapse again into this abominable darkness. There's no respite, it seems its been years that i've passed the point of no return. Pity Science can't provide me with a back gear for life, a time machine or something like that....
"The man who could never trust, could never earn the trust of people who mattered." Thats what my tombstone'll say when i die, and how true would that be....

6.7.2010

I'm stuck in Mandi(H.P.) since 3-4 days, spent 3-4 days in Chandigarh before this. I can only wish this was a vacation. Unfortunately, its grave news. My paternal aunt in law(tai ji) succumbed to a brain haemorrage. The whole family is devastated, she was a really loved and treasured member of our family. We're all grief stricken, pity we can't do anything about it....
As expected, her son (my cousin brother) is the worst affected by this ordeal. He's got a petrified right side since birth, so he was especially close to his mother, perhaps more than any other son would be at his age (he's 25). For the first couple of days, he was inconsolable. He would break down every few minutes and everyone would rush to him tryin to console him (including me quite surprisingly). Unfortunately, this wound would take a hell lot of time to heal, however unsatisfactory the healing might be....Though now he's recovered a bit. He's showing the resolve i've known him to show again, which was sadly missing for a couple of days. All i can do is wish him best for life, because he's lost someone who was always with his side, and someone whose irreplacable.
Regarding her, she was a very noble person. And i don't exaggerate or just say it for the sake of it. She really was. Always ready to help anyone, always polite and kind to everyone, she'll be sorely missed. And she'll live forever in our hearts that way. May her Soul Rest in Peace.