my fav song........

Self Destruction....

For the first time in a long time i'm struggling to put my thoughts into writing. So much has happened in the past couple of days that i can hardly believe it. Emotions are literally running wild. I can't understand what i'm feeling anymore. Some romantics might say that i'm in love, but i believe its just another bout of some sort of schizophrenia. May i be wrong for once.

Its like a chain reaction, no, a circle when i think of her. First i ask myself if i should trust her with my feelings. I know i should, i know i can. But i keep asking the same questions, does she understand me really ??, what if she betrays my trust ??, what if i end up betraying her ??, what if i don't understand her ??, then i come back to the first one can i trust her ?? My mind is constantly in this endless loop, thats driving me crazy, even more than i already am.

Maybe i don't understand her. Anyway its a well known fact that guys can never understand girls. We may be alike me but she is ultimately a girl. The law of non-understandability will apply to her as well. So i give up ?? Hardly. Let it be the last thing i do, let it be a path of self destruction but i will try to make this girl happy. I'll try to make someone happy for a change, i'll make someone not be disappointed in me for a change. But thats just talk, false bravado, i don't have the slightest idea how i'll do that.

I have a knack for ruining things that are going perfectly well. I guess i'm a classic example of "you don't know what you got till its gone" because i certainly don't. I'm my parents son after all. I guess i'm doomed to spend my life alone in a room full of books and computers. No i'm not doomed, thats what i'll do so that i'm not a burden on anyone else anymore......

Zombies

I'm angry like hell right now. My phone is becoming completely useless now. Just now a whole post got wiped because for some inexplicable reason the program just shut down. And because i don't have photographic memory i don't remember what all i typed in that one. DAMN IT !! I need a new phone and thats it. But how am i gonna get the money ?? God certainly works in strange ways....

Anyway, i'm also in despair because i can quite confidently say that i'm not gonna get admission in any good college or university, which at the moment seems the only way of getting a new phone. Also, i'm horrified at my health coz i can't honestly say i can run for more than five minutes. But among all this hysteria there is a bright light that shines like a beacon in the night in a sea of insanity. That dear readers is the light of friendship.

I've finally seemed to find a person who can listen to me not because she has to but because she wants to. Feels real good. Perhaps she's the true friend i've been looking for, but that only time will tell. Talkin to her has opened new lines of thought. I've also formed a new theory regarding the poor state of affairs around the globe.

The good thing about this girl is she seems to think like me. More importantly, she thinks. I feel like i'm in the company of intellectuals when i'm talkin to her. Its bliss. The very act of thinking has become so foreign to most of us. We don't think about anything. We just go with tradition, thinkin that our ancestors have thought it out, so we don't need to. It never occurs to us that our ancestors could've been wrong.

I've got a theory about people in general. Its not exactly my theory in the first place, the original was about FBI agents but i've expanded it to all humans. I classify all humans into two diverse groups : morphs and empaths. Each person has his own thought process, based on his intelligence, his outlook and his raising. This thought process is the basis of my classification.

First of all morphs. These people are slaves of the system and lack the ability to think out of the box. They accept the world as it is, and refuse to believe that there is anything that can be done to change it. They believe that they don't have a choice but to follow the paths laid down by people before them. They don't try to find out reasons for things happening around them, themselves. They prefer to follow the theories of other people, dead or alive. In short, they have a narrow thought process. They become a part of the system that tries to inhibit the thought process of an individual. They start to do things according to the predefined rules without questioning them. When the questioning process stalls, so does progress. Because questioning is the core of progress as has been proved during the renaissance.

The other types are the empaths. They are the opposites of the morphs. They are what we call free spirits. They don't let the system inhibit their thinking. They don't accept anything without finding a reason for it. They usually fight or raise hell for free thinking. They try to mold the thought process of others such that everybody would think before acting about what they're doing. Their methods are usually unconventional, which don't find many supporters until these methods become conventional. Their ideas are usually greeted with skepticism and quite often with ridicule. So, they're quite often regarded as borderline insane and sometimes completely insane. They quite frequently are unsuccessful in their jobs because of their obvious distaste for their morph seniors and their ethics which often go against the rules of the job.

I consider myself to be an empath. What are you ??

Suicide and Redemption

I don't understand why i don't jump off my balcony. What's stoppin me ?? My condition has gone from bad to worse these last few days....I'm struggling to find reasons to keep going on.

I hate anything i don't understand the purpose of. So right now i'm pretty much hating myself the most among other things. I feel i need a good friend. Its getting unbearable to be alone all by myself any longer. I need a partner in crime. Someone who thinks like i do, who is full of distrust and hate for this world for making growing up so fuckin difficult. Someone who has even the slightest idea about what i'm thinkin will do.

Meanwhile, i guess i'll keep on debating with myself whether or not i'm gonna jump. Its the classic cliff hanger. Perhaps i won't jump. Maybe i'm a coward too. Add that to shot at PR and idiot on paper and you get complete failure. I guess you are none better readin something written by an idiot...

Board Results and Despair

CBSE declared the class XII results today. I scored 86%. Not bad i guess. Its actually astronomical for me but certainly not for my parents. I don't know what would satisfy them. If a guy gets 86% staying online all day and writing blogs, then that means the guy is intelligent. But to my parents that means the guy should have scored more. I say fuck you. I don't want to score more. I don't want to give in to a system where you are as intelligent as your mugging up capability.

My parents are never satisfied. I know i've repeated these words countless times but i'm gonna do this until it becomes a goddamn cliche. Well, i don't know if my parents are satisfied or not. I haven't talked to them for a long time without having a parallel arguement going on in my head. So, i don't listen to what they have to say. To me, they won't be satisfied until they buy me a good phone to get rid of this broken beauty. This eats me from inside. I don't know why we have to impress other people to be happy ourselves. Its like we seek others' approval for actions we took considering them best. Why do we keep second-guessing ourselves ?? You know what i hate ?? I can't let go of this habit despite knowing i have this habit.

What should i do know ?? I'm almost friendless, completely lonely, with nothing to be proud of. A beggar is better off than me. I can't figure out why i bother continue living. It clearly isn't worth all the pain, is it ? Perhaps i'm a coward. I'm too afraid to follow a path not laid down in front of me. But i prefer to think that i hold on because there's some reason holding on to me. But dear reason, would you please reveal yourself ?? My patience is running out.

It almost seems i'm waiting for something. Like some divine light will lighten up the correct path in front of me when the time is right. Right now, i see only fog, like in a crystal ball. Somehow its always foggy unless you're looking into your past.

Yeah i know. I've completely lost it. I don't know whats happened to me, but i feel like i'm far from normal. Today i felt each stage of melancholia taking hold of me one by one like its strangling me. I'm starting to believe in this, maybe i really am suffering from it. Technically i should've been happy about my marks and the fact that i got over 80 but i wasn't and it kept getting worse.

I've added a new email subscription option to this blog so you can receive new posts via email, please register your id if you want to avail this service....so until next time goodbye....

Handwriting Sans

this is my first font......it is partly based on my own handwriting and all the glyphs are hand-drawn.......

Handwriting_Sans_Symbian

Handwriting_Sans_pc

Hero = God....??

I was watchin collateral damage today. Amazing movie. Its a classic example of how desperate we are. How desperately we search for heroes, for someone who we can look up to and place our trust in. You see any action movie, you'll see a common theme. The protagonist is always a hero. He's always determined to do whats right.

Today, we see around us a mad mad world. Yeah, its cliche but what makes it a cliche is its truth. We humans are united in only one thing - our hate for each other, our jealousy for anyone successful, anyone better than us. Competition may be good for productivity, but it sure as hell isn't good for unity. And thats the main thing isn't it ?? Maintaining peace, creating a global unity. When you look at it, that was the purpose of all religions. Every preacher wanted to unite the world because he couldn't see it divided by hate and greed and jealousy and avarice. And yet we see people doing inhuman acts in the name of religion.

Why can't we just take the next person at face value ? Why do we always have to doubt anything someone does better than us ? All we have is hope. Hope that someday some messiah will walk this planet for the sole purpose of uniting it. We hope that there will someday be a man (or a woman) who will show us the correct path. There will be a person who would give his life to save this planet from egoists, who can't look at anything other than themselves. We find such people everywhere, in the movies, in the comics and in our messiahs.

But we can't find a person who doesn't think beyond his own self. I am yet to find a person like that. But i ask myself why can't i be a person like that. Sadly, i don't know the answer. I'm not sure what it would be like when we do find a hero. Will we just forget him in happiness and remember him or even blame him in our sadness, like we do with our Gods ?? I hope not. Because we need a common belief, a common hope if we want to see our planet as a happy place.

...."ramble on my mind".............

thats what i call a haircut !!

post war

Now that all exams are over i thought that i could do whatever i want to. It was that way for the first day but now its back to square one. I'm not allowed to play on the pc, not allowed to read books, not allowed to search for fonts, not allowed to make themes, not allowed to watch tv. Then what the bloody hell am i supposed to do ?? The relief after the exams was short lived it seems, its never gonna

insanity....

There goes BITSAT and so do my hopes for a new phone. I guess i'm stuck with you my friend for some time more. Well, i think i didn't want to get rid of this one anyway. Its been the only friend who's been there for me always. And yeah, now i've completely lost it. See i'm in love with an inanimate object. Though i can't decide whether its a good thing or a bad thing.

What i've decided is a punchline. Its "you know what i hate ??" from shoot 'em up. I think its right too, because there are so little things that i like and don't hate ! So everytime you start a conversation with thats what i'm gonna say. Be ready for it. And don't bother telling me i'm mad, i already know i am.

The situation at home is badly deteriorating. I can't bear to stay in the same room with them for more than 5 minutes cause the conversation invariably strays towards me not studying. I've got no idea what i'm gonna do. The way my parents keep talkin about hostels i think i might go to a prison soon. So, these blog entries are gonna dry up. I haven't got any hope that anybody's gonna miss it though.

I just realised that i've got a morbid mindset going. Frankly i don't know what to do with it. Maybe i'll try to write some death metal but thats a possibility only if my parents don't open the door. I'm also feeling sleepy so i guess i'll just sleep.

So, until next time goodbye. Take Care and don't let my problems get to you !!

loneliness....

Today, i'm sitting contemplating whether or not i'm getting a new phone. The day after tomorrow is the BITSAT, the entrance exam for bits pilani. My father says he's gonna get me even a nexus one if i get selected. But its bloody tough. I'll need atleast 300 out of 450 to get selected. Sounds alright on paper but that hasn't been achieved ever, by me that is.

So, for the last 4 or 5 days, i've really been studying for the first time in two years. A new phone is more important to me than a selection. But, the atmosphere at home is discouraging. All the fucking time i hear the same words, study, its important, don't waste time etc. They never seem to be satisfied do they ?? Let me tell you, i ain't gonna forget this ever. I've had enough.

Sometimes i think that my parents are like politicians. They never seem to get enough of what they have. Politicians never get enough of power, never get tired of destroying the lives of thousands of people and my parents never get enough of me studying. Every sentence consists of one of the words "study" "important" "selection" "timewaste" or "timepass". So has been always. I can't recall talkin about anything else with my parents. Well, maybe i have a bad memory.

The one thing that hurts most is that they don't seem to care about anything else other than studying. Even when i won something for the first time and i was proud of something for the first time, all my mother says is "don't waste time on this, study now". Goddamn it, why the facade then ?? Why always saying that what matters is who you are ?? Clearly, you don't care who i am ! All you care is how much i score. I've heard all this bullshit so much that i don't trust my own parents anymore. Well, if you can't trust your parents, who can you trust ??

Whenever i try to share this with someone, they're always saying that parents don't mean any harm, they want you to be happy. As much as i want to believe it, i don't see any of it. If they really mean all that then they're method to show it certainly very wrong. Because i don't feel assured in anyway that they mean good. All my "friends" can't understand what the big deal is. Why am i always so uptight. Well, they tell roughly the same stories as me of home. But they are always punctuated by "they want us to be happy". I've always believed that actions speak louder than words. If thats right then you don't have to say these lines again and again. You should be happy if they care for your happiness. Or maybe i've crossed the line and have become a full-fledged cynic, even a schizophrenic. Maybe i can't see the good in things. But anybody's gonna have a hard time convincing me.

Another bad thing i've noticed is that nobody starts a chat with me. Its always me that has to be the one to say hi or something. Maybe everybody's gotten bored with me just rambling on always on the same topic. My life is all about this topic so i'm sorry i can't talk about anything else. For that i concede i have no one but myself to blame. I turn down every opportunity to go out because then wouldn't wanna come back.

As a result, i'm reduced to a poor lonely soul who doesn't trust anybody to understand him and doesn't expect anyone to try and understand him. It wasn't always like this. Until about two years ago i enjoyed being alone, enjoyed being called a loner. It gave me a sense of freedom, a feeling that told me that i'm not like everybody else. I didn't need anybody to hold me. But that changed within a couple of months. Yeah, normally such things happen only when you meet a girl.

She showed me how good companionship could be. How good it could be to have someone at hand who'd care about you and who'd try to understand you. For good measure i am happy that it finished. I didn't know how to confide, how to trust. I don't think i know how to do that even now. What i know now is that no relationship can be sustained with secrets. So, i know how bad it must've been for her. But what she did was make me realise that i couldn't be alone for all my life. I needed someone to trust, someone to confide in.

So, now i sit craving for nice company and acting love guru which i don't think i have any right to. But this blog is just a public diary to me, so i have the right to act like whatever i want to and that is freedom.

Responsibility

On every news channel, there's only one news going on. The judgement on kasav. There are people calling, giving their views on what punishment he deserves. There are also panels of "experts" discussing the correct path that the Indian Govt. should take in tackling terrorism.

Almost invariably, everybody believes that peace talks with Pakistan aren't the solution. Others say that the govt. hasn't done much even after 26/11, to ensure the security of the citizens. Some say that it's the collective responsibility of the citizens to decide the correct path. That, of course, bullshit.

On every street corner you'll find an advocate of collective responsibility for virtually everything. From something as mundane as garbage disposal in a society to the proper functioning of the government. Let me tell you, most of these notions of collective responsibility have been propagated by those in power, by those who really have the responsibility. For example, its very often said that we citizens are responsible for the sorry state of affairs in our country. Its because of the youth not participating in politics that we have undeserving people in power. Okay, the youth doesn't want to take part in politics. If its our responsibility then, that we have a rotten legislature, why have we elected those we have ?? If those people who have been elected, who made a choice to "serve" the nation refuse to take responsibility, then what is our fault in it ?? If every one has to take responsibility, maybe we don't need a parliament. We can have everybody to send in their views through voice messages as Idea Telecom suggested a couple of years ago. Then it would truly be everybody's responsibility.

The whole point of concentrating power in a few hands is that we want someone to take decisions on our behalf. We want someone to take responsibility for the goodwill of the country. If these people whom we entrust power with refuse to take responsibility for their actions (or inactions), then what is the purpose of democracy ?? We may as well have a dictator ruling the country.

Consider the case of post WWII Germany. Some dim-witted politician said that the crimes against jews was the collective responsibility of all Germans. As a result, the people who were responsible for bringing the guilty to book were not as severe in their attempts as they should have been. So, most of the Nazis in Germany escaped, without ever having to pay for their crimes. That is what happens when there is talk of collective responsibility. The action gets dulled and delayed.

So, i don't want to hear anybody ever saying that its our collective responsibility to stay safe, to run the country efficiently, to bring the guilty to book. Because it isn't. It is the responsibility of those who have been elected to take responsibility, and wield power ethically and honourably.

As to the matter of Kasav, it doesn't matter what punishment he gets. If he dies he's achieved martyrdom in the eyes of the terrorists. If he isn't given death, then it doesn't make a difference either because dead to the terrorists as it is.