Board Results and Despair

CBSE declared the class XII results today. I scored 86%. Not bad i guess. Its actually astronomical for me but certainly not for my parents. I don't know what would satisfy them. If a guy gets 86% staying online all day and writing blogs, then that means the guy is intelligent. But to my parents that means the guy should have scored more. I say fuck you. I don't want to score more. I don't want to give in to a system where you are as intelligent as your mugging up capability.

My parents are never satisfied. I know i've repeated these words countless times but i'm gonna do this until it becomes a goddamn cliche. Well, i don't know if my parents are satisfied or not. I haven't talked to them for a long time without having a parallel arguement going on in my head. So, i don't listen to what they have to say. To me, they won't be satisfied until they buy me a good phone to get rid of this broken beauty. This eats me from inside. I don't know why we have to impress other people to be happy ourselves. Its like we seek others' approval for actions we took considering them best. Why do we keep second-guessing ourselves ?? You know what i hate ?? I can't let go of this habit despite knowing i have this habit.

What should i do know ?? I'm almost friendless, completely lonely, with nothing to be proud of. A beggar is better off than me. I can't figure out why i bother continue living. It clearly isn't worth all the pain, is it ? Perhaps i'm a coward. I'm too afraid to follow a path not laid down in front of me. But i prefer to think that i hold on because there's some reason holding on to me. But dear reason, would you please reveal yourself ?? My patience is running out.

It almost seems i'm waiting for something. Like some divine light will lighten up the correct path in front of me when the time is right. Right now, i see only fog, like in a crystal ball. Somehow its always foggy unless you're looking into your past.

Yeah i know. I've completely lost it. I don't know whats happened to me, but i feel like i'm far from normal. Today i felt each stage of melancholia taking hold of me one by one like its strangling me. I'm starting to believe in this, maybe i really am suffering from it. Technically i should've been happy about my marks and the fact that i got over 80 but i wasn't and it kept getting worse.

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