These started two years ago. Everything used to seem perfect. I had the best friends, the best class, and i thought that the world is pretty much perfect. But that illusion shattered as soon as i stepped into class xi. Suddenly, everything seemed to be a waste of time. And true to it, everything i liked began termed as a 'waste of time'.
Be it my obsession with reading fiction, tweaking my phone, writing songs etc. After all there's nothing more important than studying. So, you have to study all day, all night. Things such as food, entertainment, interests, reading or even sleep are immaterial. So, here i am standing disillusioned with life and hoping upon hope that this all ends as soon as possible.
It seems i am a victim of changes. Loyal to nobody, nothing. I have lost the capability to trust anyone. Frankly, i don't care about anything. I won't mind if everyone's gonna call me a loser or a failure. What else is a person without his or her principles ??
The day after tomorrow is the legendary iitjee. You would expect from a normal person to be immersed in books, giving a final effort to succeed. You would expect me to be completely ignorant about food, water or sleep. But seeing me you wouldn't notice any of that. Hell, me typing away on my phone right now is glorious evidence of the fact that i've got no ambition, regarding this test anyway.
What is so special about the Indian Institute of Technology ?? It is after all just another place where the communist idea of controlled thinking is practised. So, why should it matter where i graduate from ?? And more importantly, why should it matter to the employers from which institution this particular interviewee has got himself brainwashed ??
These are questions whose answers i can't find and i don't think i would ever find. Constantly being reminded that i'm not the ideal student has taken its toll on my mental faculties and i find myself slowly but surely embracing insanity. Constantly being told to study has left me an angry man and probably this anger will never be calmed. I sincerely hope that this experience can help me do something for this godforsaken society.
Sometimes i feel that its my lack of faith that is the reason of my misery. Perhaps, i need to believe to be able to see things with a nice perspective. But, it's the faith that i find hard to find faith in.
The Times of India have started a new supplement on sundays called the speaking tree dealing with these spiritual matters. There was an amazing article by Jug Suraiya regarding God. He believes, quite like me, that we have modelled our Gods as our images rather than the other way around. Just like we are prone to give up our integrity by accepting bribes or other favours, so is God. Thats the reason why everyone flocks to the temples, churches or mosques to pray just before anything important.
To bribe Him. We offer prayers, which are nothing but excessive sycophancy, we offer 'prashad', which is a straightforward bribe. So, in essence the person who recognises this fallacy of religion is the enlightened. Perhaps, this is the reason that every religion's roots are a rebellion against the religion prevalent at that time (which corresponds to atheism)
So, who is the person who is enlightened ?? Its the atheist. The atheist, contrary to popular belief, doesn't downplay God. Instead, he is against the ideas which are preached by religion. He believes that there is a universal governor, but it simply cannot be the God preached by the religions.
Now i'm rambling on. Thats because i'm in the mood to ramble. That means that i'm angry at someone (yeah, my parents). I realise that there's nothing else except asking me to study that they've talked to me about. Maybe my memory is failing me, but i cannot recall them asking me to do something else. Its like they don't care about anything else, and as soon as i feel myself begin to enjoy the moment, they ask me to study. There's no room for extra-curricular activities in my life (something they stress all the time that having some is very important), because i never seem to study enough.
All i can say is, if i have any chance of going to heaven, God won't be able to make me a place where i can enjoy the best moments of my life, because there aren't any.
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