idiot

AIEEE over and i'm still where i was before, i.e. nowhere. Yeah i had a chance with the paper, like always. And like always, it was no chance at all because of me not preparing for it. I just can't seem to get hold of the reason why i can't study or rather don't want to study.

I sure have a theory, and like every other theory i've ever formulated, its probably bullshit. Well, i think my aversion to studying stems from the fact that all i can remember about home is being told to study. Constantly without a break for the past ten years or so. So, i've started to hate the very idea of studying. You know like some guy starts hating his job after working for years and getting no credit for what he does.

Whats worse is that i'm sad. Theoretically, i should be happy that i'm doing what i want to but i'm not. Another theory goes to hell. As always, i've got another theory to explain that. I think that not studying is not exactly what i want to do. I do want to study. Not in the normal sense of the word maybe but i do have that thirst for knowledge that everyone deems necessary (another theory disproved, i'm getting good at this). I want to know about things, about people, about different places, beliefs, cultures and history. But it all is so painfully reminiscent of studying in school that i don't do it. Not through established channels at least.

I try to find out about stuff indirectly. Like by reading fiction. I believe that fiction is the kind of literature that is the closest to reality. Oxymoronic, isn't it ?? But i learn enough from fiction to feel satisfied. Directly, i try to learn about stuff that's not taught in school. That includes everything i do on the internet. All of this immensely pisses off my parents greatly and that gives me immense satisfaction. I am evil ain't i ?

Anyway, today dad had a new theory too. He said that if i graduated through a good college i wouldn't have to explain to people that i'm not an idiot. Another reason not to try to get into a good college. I'm sick of people thinking that i'm an incarnate of einstein or something. Frankly, i'm just fine with the concept of everybody thinking that i'm an idiot. I wouldn't have to prove anything to anybody. And it would keep everybody's egos satisfied that they are smarter than somebody. Since nobody in this world appreciates sanctity of pure knowledge, i'll be most happy to keep it to myself.

A couple of posts ago, i had quoted metallica's broken, beat and scarred, hoping that the prophecy comes true. But it has fulfilled itself only partly. The rise again part has not fulfilled itself. But i guess its fine, i do feel a li'l stronger from within. Like a surge of energy is pulsing through my veins (you know thats bullshit, right ??).

So, what am i doing now ?? For all its worth, i think i'm just talking to myself. In written. And i feel happy. Like i used to feel some time ago. Yeah, those were good days. I didn't know the pleasures of companionship, and conversely didn't know the pain of loneliness. But now here i am, plunging down this dark, deep abyss which ends at insanity (i guess), hoping against hope that someone holds out a helping hand to rescue me out of this shit. Somehow, i've held on to this one hope and that is all i can say is truly mine.

And again i've rambled on.. I'm just assuming that whoever's reading this has nothing better to do, so you wouldn't mind my rambling on like this but still i apologise. I feel that it really is unfair on you to be reading this stuff, which may or may not fill you with pity towards me, unless you feel the same way. Anyway, just keep your sympathies with yourself or give it to somebody who needs it more than me. I don't (for the time being). God ! It feels good to type in all this stuff. Really is a good stress buster.

So, until next time goodbye.
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