24.7.10

Its been quite some time i've written anything here....I've been kinda busy with college starting and me venturing into theme making. I'll post the first two tomorrow for symbian series 60 3rd edition.

But today, i'm once again in a morbid mood. This has been happening a lot less these days but it seems that these periods are more intense now. Maybe that's nature's way of keeping things in equilibrium. Maybe i'm "destined" to have a larger part of unhappiness among my emotions than other people. For that God, i'm gonna sue you ! Yeah, i guess i do believe in God. Not the usual meaning but since i don't have a word for what i believe in, i'll just call it God.

I don't know whether i've mentioned it before here, but i might have said that i'm searching for something. And i might have said i don't know what i'm searchin for, it could be an object, some person or maybe even a goddamn piece of technology. But now i'm thinking, thats the wrong question i'm asking myself. What i'm really searching for is a happy ending. Thats morbid alright. People usually strive for a happy life. All their actions are governed by this very goal. I have a twisted expectation from life, I wanna die happy. Sure i want to live a happy life, i want to love someone, i wanna do something good in life but strangely all this has a lower precedence in my mind than dying happily.

I can't explain this. Probably because there doesn't exist an explanation other than my possible insanity. But, suddenly i've realised that all my dreams, all my romanticisms always have a common theme, i'm dying. Sometimes i'm on a bed with my family around me sincerely sad that i'm dying. Hell, sometimes i've just done a superhero act and i'm dying. Does anybody else ever had such visions ?? Or am i the only one ?? Well, like they say no two people think alike, i'm hoping that isn't true. It seems death is magnetic. It is for me. Because all i do, there always is the thought of death, no matter how small, in my mind. Is that some sort of a premonition or am i simply mad ?? I guess the latter, but i hope the former.....

But this isn't what's killing me. What kills me is my sinusoidal graph of happiness, with the y-axis as happiness and x-axis as time. It probably is the same for everyone but for me, it seems the amplitude is too high and the frequency too high. Is that how i'll live or will my wave-form ever lose some energy and give me a less painful existence ?? I guess we'll just hafta see....