Hope is a Bitch

I don't ever remember being happy. Not that I haven't been happy, I just don't remember those moments. Part of the reason is that nobody ever tries to understand when I'm not happy, or they fail if they try. And I seem to concentrate on those faults more than the joys. Now I don't expect anyone to understand me or try to understand me. But there's still the hope. It stays there, always.
That little thing that keeps you pining for a better tomorrow is hope. That little thing that keeps you alive is hope. And that little thing that causes your heart to break again and again is also hope. Hope is the most illogical feelings of all. There's no reason to have hope, but you need it and you find it, just to prevent yourself from imploding. Yet it's hope that makes you cry, when things don't go your way (even when you don't expect them too).
Hope is a reflection of your desires. You always have desires, therefore you always have hope. Since you have hope, you invariably have disappointments. Still all you have is hope. All you have is a hope that your other hopes don't prove to be unfounded. But in all likelihood, all you'll find is that hope is a bitch. Then you'll hope that hope doesn't break you.
Well, that's just sad.

Love Bites

What a beautiful feeling it is, being loved. It seems if you could freeze that one moment for all eternity, you would, without a second thought. Of course you'd want change (you always do), but you feel invincible to all that could and should affect you at that moment. It's the one thing you ever wanted and nothing else matters. Next thing you know, it's all gone. All you felt proud of, all that you loved.

You're left with nothing but hurtful sweet memories that make you blanch as soon as you're done revelling. You feel cold when you realize you'll never do all the things again that you used to do in your most treasured moments. It may have been beyond your control, what happened, but no matter how much you tell yourself that, you aren't quite convinced. You'll always feel that something could've been done, that it didn't have to end this way.

But end it did and end it had to, because everything ends and there's zilch you can do about it. You start to think that it was inevitable really. Things had started to go downhill a long time ago. There were things you chose to ignore, things you couldn't possibly live with. You were fighting more and more each day, why you broke up was only an excuse. When you're in a relationship, you have to make compromises. How well the relationship works depends on how much you can live with. Sometimes you have to go just too far.

All this time, these past couple of months, I've spent trying to figure out just what went wrong. What could have I done differently. Could I have saved this? The sad answer is yes. If I hadn't been so rigid, if I hadn't been so obsessive about things that shouldn't even matter it could've turned out different. But what's done is done. All there's left to do is move on and hope it all turns out for the best.

All this time, and that's the best I can come up with. That's all the emotional reaction I can cough up. And all I have learned is that I have problems that need solutions before I should start again.

Back again!

I have been ignoring this blog for the past two years. And I don't feel right about that. That's the thing, I seem to live my life the wrong way. Consequences can go to hell, I'm gonna live the way I am living. I realize that's not right, but what am I to do about it? I seem to be far too weak to change anything.
I am sorry about ignoring this blog, and I am sorry to all the readers I may still have. You keep coming back for only two possible reasons, either you're in love with me or you're the same cold, dark and cynical personality that I am. If the former, you're better off finding some other obsession, I am not worth your time, believe me. The latter? Welcome to the club and a warning, you're not like to find any solutions to your problems on this rant page, I'm sorry (again).
A lot has happened since I last posted here. I think I had what I wanted and I blew it. Everything. I am disappointing in college to say the least and I seem to be regressing into the angst laden life I had when I started blogging. Since it helped last time, I supposed I should return to familiar territory to find myself again. Well, here I am.
Until next time!

JAF Tutorial

This is a tutorial i am creating for flashing symbian phones....

Flashing is essentially re-installing the operating system on your phone with files that have been modified by higher brains...if you don't know what an operating system or a phone is you don't have any business reading the rest of this post :P

Now first things first you have to download a bunch of softwares....they are :
1.Nokia Ovi/PC Suite
2.Navifirm
3.JAF
4.OGM Pkey Emulator

I have uploaded the latter 3 here : Flashing Software

First, the nokia suite (ovi/pc) should be installed in your computer...

Unpack using WinRAR (google it if you dont know what it is...its free...at least for 40 days...)

We'll Download the firmware files nowt

Run the file that says navifirm...you need an internet connection...if your computer is connected then the screen will be something like this...

1. Select your phone model (make sure its the correct RM in the brackets...you can find it out by dialing *#0000# in your phone...it will be displayed under "Type")...Wait for the second section to get populated...

2. Select the latest version in the 2nd section (usually the bottom most entry)...Wait for the third section to get populated...

3. After that select any of the enties in the third section...(if you're fussy you may want to select the entry with your country name and device colour)...Wait for the fourth section to get populated...

4. In the 4th section just click on "All" (in the top right corner)...you will see check marks appear beside every entry in the 4th section...Now click on "Download with Program" in the bottom right area....

5. A popup saying "Browse for Folder" will appear...choose a folder where you want to save the firmware files (i recommend on the desktop in a folder called firmware)...Now a popup will show the download progress...wait till it finishes...

Now, We'll come to the fun part...FLASHING !!

I'm assuming you have downloaded the custom files required for making this process worthwhile...if not here are a few links...

Rohit's Photon
Symbian Anna Firmware

These are for phones like : 5800,5230,5233,5235,5530,X6

You may search for others on google by typing : "cfw RM-XXX" where XXX is your Firmware type (remember *#0000# ?)

okay, now that you have the firmware and the custom files...do the following...

1. Go to C:/Program Files/Nokia/Phoenix/Products, if it doesnt exist create it...

2. In the above mentioned folder create a folder "RM-XXX" (same as before)

3. COPY all the download firmware files into this folder...

4. Now copy the custom files you downloaded into this folder (you will most probably have to unpack a .rar or .zip or .7z file as before)...click on yes for the security question and click copy and replace if the query arises...

5. Now install JAF from the files i have given you...straightforward installation...

6.***THIS STEP ONLY FOR WINDOWS 7/VISTA USERS***Now on the file that says ogm pkey emulator right click and select properties...Click on the tab that says compatibility...then check the box that says "Run in compatibility mode for " and select Windows XP (Service Pack 2)...

7. Now run the ogm pkey emulator...and click on the button that says GO...Now JAF will run...

8. Ignore the error you get when JAF starts by clicking OK.

9. Now You'll see a screen like this :

10. Click on BB5 tab...you'll see this...

11. Check the boxes as shown in the image.

12. Now check "USE INI" and select your phone from the list that appears...same procedure as in navifirm...(for X6 users...download this ini file and replace in C:/Program Files/ODEON/JAF)

13. Now a screen similar to the following screen will appear...check the highlighted areas and make sure the file names of the files you copied into RM-XXX folder are right...if they are not make them right...

14. Now turn OFF your phone and connect it via USB...

15. Click on flash...I will say "Searching for phone...Press power button now !"...when it says so just give a single click on your phone's power button...It should say "Found !"...

16. Try again and again if it says "Files are corrupted or missing"...If it keeps giving error make sure the filenames are correct..

17. Now stay patient as hordes of lines pass on the screen....until says "Done!" Now disconnect the phone and turn it on...if it seems stuck remove the battery and turn it on again...

18. YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY FLASHED YOUR PHONE !!! CONGRATULATIONS !

17/03/11

Wierd day today...I guess yesterday now....Gave a test that I'm quite likely to flunk. Attended a fest that downright sucked in my opinion and well had a dilemna of sorts. Now I can't sleep wondering if I did the right thing. Still I don't feel like the day was a complete waste. WIERD...that's what I'd call this.

There's no simple explanation to why I'm writing this post at 12:32 AM while listening to frigging Steven Tyler croon away Sweet Emotion. I would like to sleep very much but I've failed to do that. I've been tryin since 10:30. There's this endless barrage of questions racing through my head interluded by bizarre, disturbing scenarios. It's a surprise I haven't fainted like what seems to be half the college's guys...

Well, cliched as it is but we gotta learn to prioritise everything we do. We gotta decide where everyone stands in our pecking order. Pretty brutal it is. When you have to choose between doing something you wanna do and hurting someone you love doing that thing. When that someone doesn't like what you're gonna do and at the same time you wanna experience something new. When two facets of your life collide and threaten to tear each other apart. Brutal, absolutely.

I guess I have no choice but to wait for the morning and sort this mess out. I have a feeling there won't be any sleep tonight.

I seem to have regained my skill at painting dark pictures. Is that good or bad I can barely decide....

Moving to the test I mentioned. I don't know what I'm gonna do about this semester. I just can't study. One might say too many distractions but it's just ridiculous that I don't have appetite for a subject I like. It's ridiculous for me at least....My point ? I've lost track where I'm going and I'm losing hope again...I'm beginning to realise my academic performance matters more to me than I make myself believe...I am the cliched Indian student perhaps...

That's all folks...I hope you aren't insomniacs like me tonight and are ready for a good night's sleep after reading all that. Me ? I'll try to find another passtime (not easy as my portable HDD is in somebody else's room...).

The ReReturn...

It seems weird writing after all this time....I thought i didn't need
this blog anymore...but somehow i do. Now, I've read a lot of blogs in
the past few months, and i know i have nowhere near the skill required
to write a successful blog. That's probably the reason i stopped
writing this. But i forgot why i started writing in the first place.
It was for me and not because i wanted to be this famous blogger. And
today, for some reason i feel the need to write again.

Well, things aren't progressing the way i had hoped they would by now.
I feel the old feelings coming back. I spend long periods of time
thinking up insane scenarios. I'm again beginning to question every
fucking thing i do. That's all pretty well, but i don't want to go
back to where i was a year ago. I believed I was becoming a different
person slowly but surely, but now I'm finding myself being pulled back
to the old me and I'm not very enthusiastic about that. I guess you
never really change. I guess that's how we're supposed to complete our
lives, being the person you are.

Of course, everything isn't as horrible as I may lead anyone to
believe. I think this is the happiest I can be at this stage in life.
Things can't get any better I suppose and frankly I don't want
anything to change. Knowing that I can trust someone is absolutely
grand. Very nice and satisfying feeling this. Though it does come with
that little insecure voice at the back of my head.

If I quote paparoach, "Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness, i need
to calculate what creates my own madness", thats what I'm doing. I
think I'm a little too impatient with people. I know everyone has
their quirks, I find it hard to ignore them despite what I might
advise others to do. Quite a hypocrite I am. That is probably the
reason I am the enigma I am. I'm constantly ravaged by this
superiority complex, which apparently everybody born in the year of
the monkey possess. I don't like it. As I recall myself saying today,
people don't like if someone points their faults out. I imagine it's
even worse when you do that yourself....

Sensible Nonsense

Whoa, it's been a long time. If you'd have asked me a couple of months if I'd be able to get by without writing for so long, I would've said no. But man it's happened. It's been whirlwind months. So much to study, so much to do. It's funny really, how I never seemed to have any time for anything yet I'd spend the whole day sleeping.

Well, now the semester's over and no more guilty consciences sleeping all day long. Or doing any damn thing I'd want to do for that matter. Life seems to be nice for the first time I remember. Well, I'm happy. Sure I'm bitchin all day long about how life's not going anywhere, there's no excitement about the future and stuff but I'm happy. That's probably the reason I haven't written in weeks. For a while I even thought I'd never write for this blog again but here I am typing again, listening to Avenged Sevenfold in the dark at a time that was well past my bedtime some time ago.

The only reason I'm writing is a conversation I had yesterday. While I was blabbering on about how I love to read, and how me and my dad have these loooong discussions sometimes, I somehow realised that I love to write. No matter how little sense my writings make I love to write. I just love it when I can put my feelings into words. I realised that it was a part of me. This blog has been a huge part in building the person I am now. Unwittingly, I made the biggest decision of my life when I started writing this blog seriously. It helped me understand myself more than ever before. It helped me create this outlook on life, on the world around me.

Well, I guess it's even more boring than reading about me rambling on about how fucked up life is, but that's not how I was gonna be always. I guess i've understood to accept life as it is....Not much is gonna change, I guess that's what destiny is...

So what's the reason for my being happy ? Well, I like this girl and she likes me back. Nothing more I want, coz as they say when the most important thing gets fixed all the smaller things are gonna get fixed too. And hell yeah I have hope....

Review - Linkin Park : A Thousand Suns

For the last couple of weeks, i've been waiting for the new album by Linkin Park, " A Thousand Suns". And, well i must say, they've strayed farther away from the sound which made them famous in the first place. Well, i'm no music expert but i do call myself a music enthusiast. And that enthusiast was left frowning when i first heard this album.

I can't pretend i like this new sound of lp's but i gotta say that critics are gonna have a field day proving they can praise an artist for a change too. Thats pretty obvious isn't it ?? Second album running, lp have been trying to please the critics, they say the fans are gonna follow. Well, we hated "Minutes to Midnight" too, didn't we ? Maybe we'll end up liking this album too..... But first impressions are first impressions. I'm disappointed at this music. Joseph Hahn seems to have done more work than the rest of the band combined. If i struggled to categorize m2m in one genre of rock, then i'm gonna have a hard time categorizing ats in any genre at all, partially or otherwise.

Linkin Park have shown once again, why everybody speaks so highly of them. They've shown us once again that they're the most versatile artist out there and that they truly deserve a place among legends. They've once again created a new genre for themselves regardless of all the boos they're surely gonna get from their fans. Its quite obvious that they work for their music and not for the fans. So, hats off to you guys for being such true musicians but i won't like your new album (for now).

09.09.10

I know what I want !! I know i've made this declaration a couple of times before, and I know i've backtracked more than that but I think I know now.....I've always wondered what I want most in life. What I miss most in life, what is it that will make some sense out of this pointless existence ? My answers have varied from music, soulmate, a girl and what not..... I've always wondered what is it that makes me so incompetent at relationships..... I think I know the answer.

I'm a consummate loner. I have never, probably never will trust anybody with my secrets. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I love someone I just don't trust people. Thats who I am. Thats what I am. I can't change who and what I am. I've spent (wasted) a lot of time becoming who I am, learning what I am, how can I give anybody the right to change me if I don't give it to myself ?? I just can't. I never will. All i'll ever do is hope that someday, someone will understand this and try to understand me.

So, what do I want ?? I want someone who understands that i'm not talkin about myself unless you're asking me something. I want someone who'd accept my need for loneliness. I want someone who would understand when I need to share something. I want someone who has the patience to deal with the impossible habits that I have. I want someone who loves me for what I am. Yeah, thats a lot to ask for. But I keep on hoping and maybe someday i'll be okay, someday......

4.09.10

What does it take to be drenched in utter, complete sadness in a moment ? Absolutely nothing. You're left thunderstruck, completely out of the blue. Why do i always bring my and everybody other's mood down to these trenches where i recide ?

I dont understand, now i'm fearing i never will. I just fall down into states of so immense sadness, i dont know what to make of it. Suddenly, there's everybody asking "what happened to you ??" and i've got no idea what to answer to them.

i dont know when it all started, but i know when its gonna end. When i die. I know longer believe there is "the one" who'll make me happy. 'Cause i'm doomed to forever stay like this. I would only make her sad coz she wont understand me, but nobody's gonna understand that i don't understand myself either.......

29.08.10

Another week's gone by....or is it two ?? Sorry, cant remember....life's goin just too fast. I sure would like to have a couple of days to figure out, where i'm headin to.

It's absolutely unforgivable when at some moments i feel that life's borin, and the next every single floodgate decides that its time to try and destroy another city of dreams. Its abso-fuckin-lutely unfair. What's even more unfair is not knowing why i'm writin this. Where is all this coming from ??

It seems i've suddenly fallen into an abyss and the only way i can come out is by blurting out every damn thing that comes in my mind. My apologies to anyone who made the mistake of starting to read this post, hope you haven't gone into some unpronounciable mental state. And my apologies to anyone who feel like pelting boulders at me.....

14.08.10

Life's returning to where it always was.....i guess some things are never meant to change. Maybe thats what destiny is. You get something and you gotta live with it. Maybe thats what i'm getting to know now. I'm learning some new things about me, most of them from the most unlikely sources, from me.

There are some things i am accepting now, knowing now. There's a reason why i'm never happy. Because i'm always second guessing myself. Every little thing i do, i can't help but question the morality, the reality and the practicality of the decision i've taken. So what am i ?? A goddamn control freak ?? Maybe thats what i am. I know how i always say i need someone to tell me that whatever i think about myself isn't true, it won't be any use. I would only question it, Aloud or in my head. Is that what destiny is ?? You're given a gift that is really a curse and you gotta live with it ?? I guess it is....If it is then i guess all we can do is hope.....All we can do is hope that we'll someday break these shackles that continue to bind us no matter how much we try to break them.....

Its funny, we're taught all through our life, that to question is healthy, yet i'm regretting this ability of mine. Why can't i take anything for what it is ?? Why not even my own feelings ?? Why a gift is causing me so much agony within me ?? Can this ever be fixed....can i ever learn to love, to understand what i feel ?? What do i have but hope and a nagging feeling that i wont be able to do that by myself....

12.08.10

Its been a long time since i last wrote something here.....To be honest, hostel makes you lazy. Its always a tussle for time control between food, games, sleep and homework. I've even stopped reading and the latest book i've been reading has consumed more than two weeks, even though its quite fast paced and interesting. Maybe its time to reinvent myself.

College life on the other hand has failed to deliver a majority of promises it had seemingly made, in my opinion. The winner is hostel life and not the actual college life.

I also woke up to a harsh reality last week. My fitness is nowhere near what i would call accetable, and what's worse is that i'm too lazy to do anything about it.

We have a 'fresher''s party on friday. Seems like we're gonna have some fun there. Really i haven't looked forward to any parties except those that were on my birthdays but i am quite strangely looking forward to this one.

As they say, we'll wait and watch what happens.

29.7.10

College finally started and well, i don't know what to make of it....Nothing much is like i thought it would be. Its crazy, absolutely. Past six months i've never been this lost for words....i guess all new experiences are like this. Damn i hate not knowing, most of all not knowing how i'm feeling.

Well, the classes are pretty much boring till now. Nothing new taught yet, so thats pretty much explainable. Python is simple till now, based pretty much on c++, its not a problem. The other subjects, discrete maths and digital circuits, i'm not sure what to expect and i'm hoping that i get through them somehow. System Management i'm quite sure i'm gonna like, so its not likely to be a problem.

Well thats enough about academic life. Its going on like it always has with little change. Personal life, well that's the same too. I'm still longing for close company. I'm still a goner when it comes to social interaction and well that pretty much seals it doesn't it ?? Literally.

So, i'm on with my life, trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do. Trying to second guess my own decisions. Drowning in self-doubt and loathing my incompetence at pretty much everything. Sure, life is beautiful !!

Themes Page

My themes page : nexus11themes.blogspot.com

24.7.10

Its been quite some time i've written anything here....I've been kinda busy with college starting and me venturing into theme making. I'll post the first two tomorrow for symbian series 60 3rd edition.

But today, i'm once again in a morbid mood. This has been happening a lot less these days but it seems that these periods are more intense now. Maybe that's nature's way of keeping things in equilibrium. Maybe i'm "destined" to have a larger part of unhappiness among my emotions than other people. For that God, i'm gonna sue you ! Yeah, i guess i do believe in God. Not the usual meaning but since i don't have a word for what i believe in, i'll just call it God.

I don't know whether i've mentioned it before here, but i might have said that i'm searching for something. And i might have said i don't know what i'm searchin for, it could be an object, some person or maybe even a goddamn piece of technology. But now i'm thinking, thats the wrong question i'm asking myself. What i'm really searching for is a happy ending. Thats morbid alright. People usually strive for a happy life. All their actions are governed by this very goal. I have a twisted expectation from life, I wanna die happy. Sure i want to live a happy life, i want to love someone, i wanna do something good in life but strangely all this has a lower precedence in my mind than dying happily.

I can't explain this. Probably because there doesn't exist an explanation other than my possible insanity. But, suddenly i've realised that all my dreams, all my romanticisms always have a common theme, i'm dying. Sometimes i'm on a bed with my family around me sincerely sad that i'm dying. Hell, sometimes i've just done a superhero act and i'm dying. Does anybody else ever had such visions ?? Or am i the only one ?? Well, like they say no two people think alike, i'm hoping that isn't true. It seems death is magnetic. It is for me. Because all i do, there always is the thought of death, no matter how small, in my mind. Is that some sort of a premonition or am i simply mad ?? I guess the latter, but i hope the former.....

But this isn't what's killing me. What kills me is my sinusoidal graph of happiness, with the y-axis as happiness and x-axis as time. It probably is the same for everyone but for me, it seems the amplitude is too high and the frequency too high. Is that how i'll live or will my wave-form ever lose some energy and give me a less painful existence ?? I guess we'll just hafta see....

13.07.10

I've got only two words for myself "i suck". I can't do anything right. I can't make any fucking person feel good, let alone feel happy. But what can i do ?? I've got nothing to lose, and well, nothing to gain either. I'm a castaway of society. People like me usually end up in mental correctional facilities. Maybe i'll end up the same way....
There's something thats killing me. Yes, its a girl. Its gotta be. There's nothing else but love, in this world, to die for. Knowing that she doesn't feel the same way wouldn't hurt me so much as it does when she even refuses to believe me. Am i such a bad person that nobody's willing to believe that i may for once have feelings for someone ?? Perhaps its a shell i've created myself. Perhaps i AM evil. I don't deserve any happiness, coz i'm not capable of giving it to anyone. Yes, thats gotta be it.
I'm a social misfit. All i'm capable of is criticising others, while i lose everything that's dear to me. Maybe that's what i'll do ever in this life. I'll have to stay alone, moan in self pity and drive myself insane to stop other people, people i care about get hurt. I am doomed to loneliness, and that's one fact i can't accept despite it being the truth.....

12.07.10

For the past year, couple of years....i don't know how long.....it seems a tape is being played again and again, over and over apparently continuously in my head...."why am i not happy ?? coz i'm incapable of feeling happiness....why am i not happy ?? coz i'm incapable of feeling happiness...." I don't know how correct or incorrect that is, but it seems to be the only explanation.
For a long time i've debated myself, tried to convince myself that someday i'll meet someone who'll make me feel happy. But it doesn't happen. Never has, never will. Its always just a couple of moments of joy and happiness, then i collapse again into this abominable darkness. There's no respite, it seems its been years that i've passed the point of no return. Pity Science can't provide me with a back gear for life, a time machine or something like that....
"The man who could never trust, could never earn the trust of people who mattered." Thats what my tombstone'll say when i die, and how true would that be....

6.7.2010

I'm stuck in Mandi(H.P.) since 3-4 days, spent 3-4 days in Chandigarh before this. I can only wish this was a vacation. Unfortunately, its grave news. My paternal aunt in law(tai ji) succumbed to a brain haemorrage. The whole family is devastated, she was a really loved and treasured member of our family. We're all grief stricken, pity we can't do anything about it....
As expected, her son (my cousin brother) is the worst affected by this ordeal. He's got a petrified right side since birth, so he was especially close to his mother, perhaps more than any other son would be at his age (he's 25). For the first couple of days, he was inconsolable. He would break down every few minutes and everyone would rush to him tryin to console him (including me quite surprisingly). Unfortunately, this wound would take a hell lot of time to heal, however unsatisfactory the healing might be....Though now he's recovered a bit. He's showing the resolve i've known him to show again, which was sadly missing for a couple of days. All i can do is wish him best for life, because he's lost someone who was always with his side, and someone whose irreplacable.
Regarding her, she was a very noble person. And i don't exaggerate or just say it for the sake of it. She really was. Always ready to help anyone, always polite and kind to everyone, she'll be sorely missed. And she'll live forever in our hearts that way. May her Soul Rest in Peace.

Everything is wierd....it seems i've lost the ability to think sanely, or what i thought was sanely. So many decisions to take and none have a nice alternative. It seems whatever i'll do, i'm set to lose something. What do i do ?? "don't make a choice until there's only one way left" doesn't sound very promising now....