Guilt and Closure

When you lose someone, you're broken. You have nothing you want more than that person you had. You want her to come running back. You want to go running back to her. It's a normal reaction. Until you accept that your breaking up was probably for the best and these feelings aren't healthy. After your revelation you try your best not to give in, to never let yourself think that way. Just when you're about to succeed, about to forget the pain, she comes back, wanting you back.
What are you supposed to do? Give in to those ancient desires or think with your head and not let that happen? Try to make her understand that it's over. She has to move on. What if she refuses to move on? What if the whole episode leaves you with a feeling of guilt? What do you do then? After all, you don't want her to ruin her life over you.
You don't stop caring, ever. It was a part of your life and you don't want it to haunt you for the rest of your life. You want closure. But closure isn't for you alone. Like the chapter, even at the close your lives are intertwined. One's closure without the other's is incomplete and the best you can hope is that both of you get it as soon as possible.

Hope is a Bitch

I don't ever remember being happy. Not that I haven't been happy, I just don't remember those moments. Part of the reason is that nobody ever tries to understand when I'm not happy, or they fail if they try. And I seem to concentrate on those faults more than the joys. Now I don't expect anyone to understand me or try to understand me. But there's still the hope. It stays there, always.
That little thing that keeps you pining for a better tomorrow is hope. That little thing that keeps you alive is hope. And that little thing that causes your heart to break again and again is also hope. Hope is the most illogical feelings of all. There's no reason to have hope, but you need it and you find it, just to prevent yourself from imploding. Yet it's hope that makes you cry, when things don't go your way (even when you don't expect them too).
Hope is a reflection of your desires. You always have desires, therefore you always have hope. Since you have hope, you invariably have disappointments. Still all you have is hope. All you have is a hope that your other hopes don't prove to be unfounded. But in all likelihood, all you'll find is that hope is a bitch. Then you'll hope that hope doesn't break you.
Well, that's just sad.

Love Bites

What a beautiful feeling it is, being loved. It seems if you could freeze that one moment for all eternity, you would, without a second thought. Of course you'd want change (you always do), but you feel invincible to all that could and should affect you at that moment. It's the one thing you ever wanted and nothing else matters. Next thing you know, it's all gone. All you felt proud of, all that you loved.

You're left with nothing but hurtful sweet memories that make you blanch as soon as you're done revelling. You feel cold when you realize you'll never do all the things again that you used to do in your most treasured moments. It may have been beyond your control, what happened, but no matter how much you tell yourself that, you aren't quite convinced. You'll always feel that something could've been done, that it didn't have to end this way.

But end it did and end it had to, because everything ends and there's zilch you can do about it. You start to think that it was inevitable really. Things had started to go downhill a long time ago. There were things you chose to ignore, things you couldn't possibly live with. You were fighting more and more each day, why you broke up was only an excuse. When you're in a relationship, you have to make compromises. How well the relationship works depends on how much you can live with. Sometimes you have to go just too far.

All this time, these past couple of months, I've spent trying to figure out just what went wrong. What could have I done differently. Could I have saved this? The sad answer is yes. If I hadn't been so rigid, if I hadn't been so obsessive about things that shouldn't even matter it could've turned out different. But what's done is done. All there's left to do is move on and hope it all turns out for the best.

All this time, and that's the best I can come up with. That's all the emotional reaction I can cough up. And all I have learned is that I have problems that need solutions before I should start again.

Back again!

I have been ignoring this blog for the past two years. And I don't feel right about that. That's the thing, I seem to live my life the wrong way. Consequences can go to hell, I'm gonna live the way I am living. I realize that's not right, but what am I to do about it? I seem to be far too weak to change anything.
I am sorry about ignoring this blog, and I am sorry to all the readers I may still have. You keep coming back for only two possible reasons, either you're in love with me or you're the same cold, dark and cynical personality that I am. If the former, you're better off finding some other obsession, I am not worth your time, believe me. The latter? Welcome to the club and a warning, you're not like to find any solutions to your problems on this rant page, I'm sorry (again).
A lot has happened since I last posted here. I think I had what I wanted and I blew it. Everything. I am disappointing in college to say the least and I seem to be regressing into the angst laden life I had when I started blogging. Since it helped last time, I supposed I should return to familiar territory to find myself again. Well, here I am.
Until next time!

JAF Tutorial

This is a tutorial i am creating for flashing symbian phones....

Flashing is essentially re-installing the operating system on your phone with files that have been modified by higher brains...if you don't know what an operating system or a phone is you don't have any business reading the rest of this post :P

Now first things first you have to download a bunch of softwares....they are :
1.Nokia Ovi/PC Suite
2.Navifirm
3.JAF
4.OGM Pkey Emulator

I have uploaded the latter 3 here : Flashing Software

First, the nokia suite (ovi/pc) should be installed in your computer...

Unpack using WinRAR (google it if you dont know what it is...its free...at least for 40 days...)

We'll Download the firmware files nowt

Run the file that says navifirm...you need an internet connection...if your computer is connected then the screen will be something like this...

1. Select your phone model (make sure its the correct RM in the brackets...you can find it out by dialing *#0000# in your phone...it will be displayed under "Type")...Wait for the second section to get populated...

2. Select the latest version in the 2nd section (usually the bottom most entry)...Wait for the third section to get populated...

3. After that select any of the enties in the third section...(if you're fussy you may want to select the entry with your country name and device colour)...Wait for the fourth section to get populated...

4. In the 4th section just click on "All" (in the top right corner)...you will see check marks appear beside every entry in the 4th section...Now click on "Download with Program" in the bottom right area....

5. A popup saying "Browse for Folder" will appear...choose a folder where you want to save the firmware files (i recommend on the desktop in a folder called firmware)...Now a popup will show the download progress...wait till it finishes...

Now, We'll come to the fun part...FLASHING !!

I'm assuming you have downloaded the custom files required for making this process worthwhile...if not here are a few links...

Rohit's Photon
Symbian Anna Firmware

These are for phones like : 5800,5230,5233,5235,5530,X6

You may search for others on google by typing : "cfw RM-XXX" where XXX is your Firmware type (remember *#0000# ?)

okay, now that you have the firmware and the custom files...do the following...

1. Go to C:/Program Files/Nokia/Phoenix/Products, if it doesnt exist create it...

2. In the above mentioned folder create a folder "RM-XXX" (same as before)

3. COPY all the download firmware files into this folder...

4. Now copy the custom files you downloaded into this folder (you will most probably have to unpack a .rar or .zip or .7z file as before)...click on yes for the security question and click copy and replace if the query arises...

5. Now install JAF from the files i have given you...straightforward installation...

6.***THIS STEP ONLY FOR WINDOWS 7/VISTA USERS***Now on the file that says ogm pkey emulator right click and select properties...Click on the tab that says compatibility...then check the box that says "Run in compatibility mode for " and select Windows XP (Service Pack 2)...

7. Now run the ogm pkey emulator...and click on the button that says GO...Now JAF will run...

8. Ignore the error you get when JAF starts by clicking OK.

9. Now You'll see a screen like this :

10. Click on BB5 tab...you'll see this...

11. Check the boxes as shown in the image.

12. Now check "USE INI" and select your phone from the list that appears...same procedure as in navifirm...(for X6 users...download this ini file and replace in C:/Program Files/ODEON/JAF)

13. Now a screen similar to the following screen will appear...check the highlighted areas and make sure the file names of the files you copied into RM-XXX folder are right...if they are not make them right...

14. Now turn OFF your phone and connect it via USB...

15. Click on flash...I will say "Searching for phone...Press power button now !"...when it says so just give a single click on your phone's power button...It should say "Found !"...

16. Try again and again if it says "Files are corrupted or missing"...If it keeps giving error make sure the filenames are correct..

17. Now stay patient as hordes of lines pass on the screen....until says "Done!" Now disconnect the phone and turn it on...if it seems stuck remove the battery and turn it on again...

18. YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY FLASHED YOUR PHONE !!! CONGRATULATIONS !

17/03/11

Wierd day today...I guess yesterday now....Gave a test that I'm quite likely to flunk. Attended a fest that downright sucked in my opinion and well had a dilemna of sorts. Now I can't sleep wondering if I did the right thing. Still I don't feel like the day was a complete waste. WIERD...that's what I'd call this.

There's no simple explanation to why I'm writing this post at 12:32 AM while listening to frigging Steven Tyler croon away Sweet Emotion. I would like to sleep very much but I've failed to do that. I've been tryin since 10:30. There's this endless barrage of questions racing through my head interluded by bizarre, disturbing scenarios. It's a surprise I haven't fainted like what seems to be half the college's guys...

Well, cliched as it is but we gotta learn to prioritise everything we do. We gotta decide where everyone stands in our pecking order. Pretty brutal it is. When you have to choose between doing something you wanna do and hurting someone you love doing that thing. When that someone doesn't like what you're gonna do and at the same time you wanna experience something new. When two facets of your life collide and threaten to tear each other apart. Brutal, absolutely.

I guess I have no choice but to wait for the morning and sort this mess out. I have a feeling there won't be any sleep tonight.

I seem to have regained my skill at painting dark pictures. Is that good or bad I can barely decide....

Moving to the test I mentioned. I don't know what I'm gonna do about this semester. I just can't study. One might say too many distractions but it's just ridiculous that I don't have appetite for a subject I like. It's ridiculous for me at least....My point ? I've lost track where I'm going and I'm losing hope again...I'm beginning to realise my academic performance matters more to me than I make myself believe...I am the cliched Indian student perhaps...

That's all folks...I hope you aren't insomniacs like me tonight and are ready for a good night's sleep after reading all that. Me ? I'll try to find another passtime (not easy as my portable HDD is in somebody else's room...).

The ReReturn...

It seems weird writing after all this time....I thought i didn't need
this blog anymore...but somehow i do. Now, I've read a lot of blogs in
the past few months, and i know i have nowhere near the skill required
to write a successful blog. That's probably the reason i stopped
writing this. But i forgot why i started writing in the first place.
It was for me and not because i wanted to be this famous blogger. And
today, for some reason i feel the need to write again.

Well, things aren't progressing the way i had hoped they would by now.
I feel the old feelings coming back. I spend long periods of time
thinking up insane scenarios. I'm again beginning to question every
fucking thing i do. That's all pretty well, but i don't want to go
back to where i was a year ago. I believed I was becoming a different
person slowly but surely, but now I'm finding myself being pulled back
to the old me and I'm not very enthusiastic about that. I guess you
never really change. I guess that's how we're supposed to complete our
lives, being the person you are.

Of course, everything isn't as horrible as I may lead anyone to
believe. I think this is the happiest I can be at this stage in life.
Things can't get any better I suppose and frankly I don't want
anything to change. Knowing that I can trust someone is absolutely
grand. Very nice and satisfying feeling this. Though it does come with
that little insecure voice at the back of my head.

If I quote paparoach, "Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness, i need
to calculate what creates my own madness", thats what I'm doing. I
think I'm a little too impatient with people. I know everyone has
their quirks, I find it hard to ignore them despite what I might
advise others to do. Quite a hypocrite I am. That is probably the
reason I am the enigma I am. I'm constantly ravaged by this
superiority complex, which apparently everybody born in the year of
the monkey possess. I don't like it. As I recall myself saying today,
people don't like if someone points their faults out. I imagine it's
even worse when you do that yourself....

Sensible Nonsense

Whoa, it's been a long time. If you'd have asked me a couple of months if I'd be able to get by without writing for so long, I would've said no. But man it's happened. It's been whirlwind months. So much to study, so much to do. It's funny really, how I never seemed to have any time for anything yet I'd spend the whole day sleeping.

Well, now the semester's over and no more guilty consciences sleeping all day long. Or doing any damn thing I'd want to do for that matter. Life seems to be nice for the first time I remember. Well, I'm happy. Sure I'm bitchin all day long about how life's not going anywhere, there's no excitement about the future and stuff but I'm happy. That's probably the reason I haven't written in weeks. For a while I even thought I'd never write for this blog again but here I am typing again, listening to Avenged Sevenfold in the dark at a time that was well past my bedtime some time ago.

The only reason I'm writing is a conversation I had yesterday. While I was blabbering on about how I love to read, and how me and my dad have these loooong discussions sometimes, I somehow realised that I love to write. No matter how little sense my writings make I love to write. I just love it when I can put my feelings into words. I realised that it was a part of me. This blog has been a huge part in building the person I am now. Unwittingly, I made the biggest decision of my life when I started writing this blog seriously. It helped me understand myself more than ever before. It helped me create this outlook on life, on the world around me.

Well, I guess it's even more boring than reading about me rambling on about how fucked up life is, but that's not how I was gonna be always. I guess i've understood to accept life as it is....Not much is gonna change, I guess that's what destiny is...

So what's the reason for my being happy ? Well, I like this girl and she likes me back. Nothing more I want, coz as they say when the most important thing gets fixed all the smaller things are gonna get fixed too. And hell yeah I have hope....

Review - Linkin Park : A Thousand Suns

For the last couple of weeks, i've been waiting for the new album by Linkin Park, " A Thousand Suns". And, well i must say, they've strayed farther away from the sound which made them famous in the first place. Well, i'm no music expert but i do call myself a music enthusiast. And that enthusiast was left frowning when i first heard this album.

I can't pretend i like this new sound of lp's but i gotta say that critics are gonna have a field day proving they can praise an artist for a change too. Thats pretty obvious isn't it ?? Second album running, lp have been trying to please the critics, they say the fans are gonna follow. Well, we hated "Minutes to Midnight" too, didn't we ? Maybe we'll end up liking this album too..... But first impressions are first impressions. I'm disappointed at this music. Joseph Hahn seems to have done more work than the rest of the band combined. If i struggled to categorize m2m in one genre of rock, then i'm gonna have a hard time categorizing ats in any genre at all, partially or otherwise.

Linkin Park have shown once again, why everybody speaks so highly of them. They've shown us once again that they're the most versatile artist out there and that they truly deserve a place among legends. They've once again created a new genre for themselves regardless of all the boos they're surely gonna get from their fans. Its quite obvious that they work for their music and not for the fans. So, hats off to you guys for being such true musicians but i won't like your new album (for now).

09.09.10

I know what I want !! I know i've made this declaration a couple of times before, and I know i've backtracked more than that but I think I know now.....I've always wondered what I want most in life. What I miss most in life, what is it that will make some sense out of this pointless existence ? My answers have varied from music, soulmate, a girl and what not..... I've always wondered what is it that makes me so incompetent at relationships..... I think I know the answer.

I'm a consummate loner. I have never, probably never will trust anybody with my secrets. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I love someone I just don't trust people. Thats who I am. Thats what I am. I can't change who and what I am. I've spent (wasted) a lot of time becoming who I am, learning what I am, how can I give anybody the right to change me if I don't give it to myself ?? I just can't. I never will. All i'll ever do is hope that someday, someone will understand this and try to understand me.

So, what do I want ?? I want someone who understands that i'm not talkin about myself unless you're asking me something. I want someone who'd accept my need for loneliness. I want someone who would understand when I need to share something. I want someone who has the patience to deal with the impossible habits that I have. I want someone who loves me for what I am. Yeah, thats a lot to ask for. But I keep on hoping and maybe someday i'll be okay, someday......

4.09.10

What does it take to be drenched in utter, complete sadness in a moment ? Absolutely nothing. You're left thunderstruck, completely out of the blue. Why do i always bring my and everybody other's mood down to these trenches where i recide ?

I dont understand, now i'm fearing i never will. I just fall down into states of so immense sadness, i dont know what to make of it. Suddenly, there's everybody asking "what happened to you ??" and i've got no idea what to answer to them.

i dont know when it all started, but i know when its gonna end. When i die. I know longer believe there is "the one" who'll make me happy. 'Cause i'm doomed to forever stay like this. I would only make her sad coz she wont understand me, but nobody's gonna understand that i don't understand myself either.......

29.08.10

Another week's gone by....or is it two ?? Sorry, cant remember....life's goin just too fast. I sure would like to have a couple of days to figure out, where i'm headin to.

It's absolutely unforgivable when at some moments i feel that life's borin, and the next every single floodgate decides that its time to try and destroy another city of dreams. Its abso-fuckin-lutely unfair. What's even more unfair is not knowing why i'm writin this. Where is all this coming from ??

It seems i've suddenly fallen into an abyss and the only way i can come out is by blurting out every damn thing that comes in my mind. My apologies to anyone who made the mistake of starting to read this post, hope you haven't gone into some unpronounciable mental state. And my apologies to anyone who feel like pelting boulders at me.....

14.08.10

Life's returning to where it always was.....i guess some things are never meant to change. Maybe thats what destiny is. You get something and you gotta live with it. Maybe thats what i'm getting to know now. I'm learning some new things about me, most of them from the most unlikely sources, from me.

There are some things i am accepting now, knowing now. There's a reason why i'm never happy. Because i'm always second guessing myself. Every little thing i do, i can't help but question the morality, the reality and the practicality of the decision i've taken. So what am i ?? A goddamn control freak ?? Maybe thats what i am. I know how i always say i need someone to tell me that whatever i think about myself isn't true, it won't be any use. I would only question it, Aloud or in my head. Is that what destiny is ?? You're given a gift that is really a curse and you gotta live with it ?? I guess it is....If it is then i guess all we can do is hope.....All we can do is hope that we'll someday break these shackles that continue to bind us no matter how much we try to break them.....

Its funny, we're taught all through our life, that to question is healthy, yet i'm regretting this ability of mine. Why can't i take anything for what it is ?? Why not even my own feelings ?? Why a gift is causing me so much agony within me ?? Can this ever be fixed....can i ever learn to love, to understand what i feel ?? What do i have but hope and a nagging feeling that i wont be able to do that by myself....

12.08.10

Its been a long time since i last wrote something here.....To be honest, hostel makes you lazy. Its always a tussle for time control between food, games, sleep and homework. I've even stopped reading and the latest book i've been reading has consumed more than two weeks, even though its quite fast paced and interesting. Maybe its time to reinvent myself.

College life on the other hand has failed to deliver a majority of promises it had seemingly made, in my opinion. The winner is hostel life and not the actual college life.

I also woke up to a harsh reality last week. My fitness is nowhere near what i would call accetable, and what's worse is that i'm too lazy to do anything about it.

We have a 'fresher''s party on friday. Seems like we're gonna have some fun there. Really i haven't looked forward to any parties except those that were on my birthdays but i am quite strangely looking forward to this one.

As they say, we'll wait and watch what happens.

29.7.10

College finally started and well, i don't know what to make of it....Nothing much is like i thought it would be. Its crazy, absolutely. Past six months i've never been this lost for words....i guess all new experiences are like this. Damn i hate not knowing, most of all not knowing how i'm feeling.

Well, the classes are pretty much boring till now. Nothing new taught yet, so thats pretty much explainable. Python is simple till now, based pretty much on c++, its not a problem. The other subjects, discrete maths and digital circuits, i'm not sure what to expect and i'm hoping that i get through them somehow. System Management i'm quite sure i'm gonna like, so its not likely to be a problem.

Well thats enough about academic life. Its going on like it always has with little change. Personal life, well that's the same too. I'm still longing for close company. I'm still a goner when it comes to social interaction and well that pretty much seals it doesn't it ?? Literally.

So, i'm on with my life, trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do. Trying to second guess my own decisions. Drowning in self-doubt and loathing my incompetence at pretty much everything. Sure, life is beautiful !!

Themes Page

My themes page : nexus11themes.blogspot.com

24.7.10

Its been quite some time i've written anything here....I've been kinda busy with college starting and me venturing into theme making. I'll post the first two tomorrow for symbian series 60 3rd edition.

But today, i'm once again in a morbid mood. This has been happening a lot less these days but it seems that these periods are more intense now. Maybe that's nature's way of keeping things in equilibrium. Maybe i'm "destined" to have a larger part of unhappiness among my emotions than other people. For that God, i'm gonna sue you ! Yeah, i guess i do believe in God. Not the usual meaning but since i don't have a word for what i believe in, i'll just call it God.

I don't know whether i've mentioned it before here, but i might have said that i'm searching for something. And i might have said i don't know what i'm searchin for, it could be an object, some person or maybe even a goddamn piece of technology. But now i'm thinking, thats the wrong question i'm asking myself. What i'm really searching for is a happy ending. Thats morbid alright. People usually strive for a happy life. All their actions are governed by this very goal. I have a twisted expectation from life, I wanna die happy. Sure i want to live a happy life, i want to love someone, i wanna do something good in life but strangely all this has a lower precedence in my mind than dying happily.

I can't explain this. Probably because there doesn't exist an explanation other than my possible insanity. But, suddenly i've realised that all my dreams, all my romanticisms always have a common theme, i'm dying. Sometimes i'm on a bed with my family around me sincerely sad that i'm dying. Hell, sometimes i've just done a superhero act and i'm dying. Does anybody else ever had such visions ?? Or am i the only one ?? Well, like they say no two people think alike, i'm hoping that isn't true. It seems death is magnetic. It is for me. Because all i do, there always is the thought of death, no matter how small, in my mind. Is that some sort of a premonition or am i simply mad ?? I guess the latter, but i hope the former.....

But this isn't what's killing me. What kills me is my sinusoidal graph of happiness, with the y-axis as happiness and x-axis as time. It probably is the same for everyone but for me, it seems the amplitude is too high and the frequency too high. Is that how i'll live or will my wave-form ever lose some energy and give me a less painful existence ?? I guess we'll just hafta see....

13.07.10

I've got only two words for myself "i suck". I can't do anything right. I can't make any fucking person feel good, let alone feel happy. But what can i do ?? I've got nothing to lose, and well, nothing to gain either. I'm a castaway of society. People like me usually end up in mental correctional facilities. Maybe i'll end up the same way....
There's something thats killing me. Yes, its a girl. Its gotta be. There's nothing else but love, in this world, to die for. Knowing that she doesn't feel the same way wouldn't hurt me so much as it does when she even refuses to believe me. Am i such a bad person that nobody's willing to believe that i may for once have feelings for someone ?? Perhaps its a shell i've created myself. Perhaps i AM evil. I don't deserve any happiness, coz i'm not capable of giving it to anyone. Yes, thats gotta be it.
I'm a social misfit. All i'm capable of is criticising others, while i lose everything that's dear to me. Maybe that's what i'll do ever in this life. I'll have to stay alone, moan in self pity and drive myself insane to stop other people, people i care about get hurt. I am doomed to loneliness, and that's one fact i can't accept despite it being the truth.....

12.07.10

For the past year, couple of years....i don't know how long.....it seems a tape is being played again and again, over and over apparently continuously in my head...."why am i not happy ?? coz i'm incapable of feeling happiness....why am i not happy ?? coz i'm incapable of feeling happiness...." I don't know how correct or incorrect that is, but it seems to be the only explanation.
For a long time i've debated myself, tried to convince myself that someday i'll meet someone who'll make me feel happy. But it doesn't happen. Never has, never will. Its always just a couple of moments of joy and happiness, then i collapse again into this abominable darkness. There's no respite, it seems its been years that i've passed the point of no return. Pity Science can't provide me with a back gear for life, a time machine or something like that....
"The man who could never trust, could never earn the trust of people who mattered." Thats what my tombstone'll say when i die, and how true would that be....

6.7.2010

I'm stuck in Mandi(H.P.) since 3-4 days, spent 3-4 days in Chandigarh before this. I can only wish this was a vacation. Unfortunately, its grave news. My paternal aunt in law(tai ji) succumbed to a brain haemorrage. The whole family is devastated, she was a really loved and treasured member of our family. We're all grief stricken, pity we can't do anything about it....
As expected, her son (my cousin brother) is the worst affected by this ordeal. He's got a petrified right side since birth, so he was especially close to his mother, perhaps more than any other son would be at his age (he's 25). For the first couple of days, he was inconsolable. He would break down every few minutes and everyone would rush to him tryin to console him (including me quite surprisingly). Unfortunately, this wound would take a hell lot of time to heal, however unsatisfactory the healing might be....Though now he's recovered a bit. He's showing the resolve i've known him to show again, which was sadly missing for a couple of days. All i can do is wish him best for life, because he's lost someone who was always with his side, and someone whose irreplacable.
Regarding her, she was a very noble person. And i don't exaggerate or just say it for the sake of it. She really was. Always ready to help anyone, always polite and kind to everyone, she'll be sorely missed. And she'll live forever in our hearts that way. May her Soul Rest in Peace.

Everything is wierd....it seems i've lost the ability to think sanely, or what i thought was sanely. So many decisions to take and none have a nice alternative. It seems whatever i'll do, i'm set to lose something. What do i do ?? "don't make a choice until there's only one way left" doesn't sound very promising now....

Secret to Happiness

Some very foreign feelings are taking hold of my brain these days. Its good and weird at the same time. Good because it feels i'm happy, but weird because its all alien. It's like a new birth. Its like i'm being happy for the first time in my life. And i don't understand how to handle it.

I'm getting a feeling, again, that success is highly overrated. Success at anything. When you reach the top, you don't get the feeling you imagined having when you were plannin getting to the top. On the other hand, if you fall upon lady luck and get successful unexpectedly, you would perhaps get the feeling you'd probably plan for. A feeling of pure elation and pride and happiness and contentment. This perhaps is the only reason why most people like surprises. And this perhaps is the only reason why people on a subconscious level want to go where life leads them, not plan the whole path.

What's the point ?? The point is that the most divine feelings are often unplanned for. You never get what you expect, hence the never ending quest for perfection, hoping that someday you'd be happy. The secret is not expecting anything. Then even the smallest of things will seem the best things in this world.

That is what i believe the secret to happiness. Pretty lame, huh ?

Imbroglio

It was a pleasant surprise, getting a within 20k rank in AIEEE. This has certainly boosted my chances of getting into a good college. But, still no sign of me getting a new phone. I exceed expectations at every exam i give, and still nobody is happy with my performance. Nothing is ever enough. That just proves it, work for yourself. If you feel happy doing something, do it. Don't search for other's approval. After all, its you whose happiness matters the most, not somebody else's.

I don't understand people. They just can't seem to see through lies that are as transparent as lies can be. Everybody's got this unbelievable belief that everything's alright. That's just plain ignorance. Where have the good old days gone when we used to say "everything's gonna be alright" not "everything's alright" ?? Is truth so hard to accept ?? I dont know any statistics but suicide due to academics among the recent adults, anywhere in the world, is probably the highest in this country. There's news of a result related suicide almost everyday in the months from february to may, the examination months. And still people keep pouring praise over India's education system being the most successful all over the world et al. Either the country is full of brain dead individuals or they're too programmed to not question the system.

Believe me, i've seen such fury over one simple question regarding the system i almost believed that the Kremlin is operating undercover in New Delhi. The fierce defence of the system is reminiscent of the stories i've heard about possible rebels being carted off to gulags in Siberia due to just a slip of tongue. I just can't believe it. Last year, there was this girl who committed suicide even after getting 92.9%. The apparent reason was that she couldn't get admission to the college of her choice. Well, 92.9% are good marks. If you're not rewarded for such marks then it can mean only two things, either any undeserving moron can score those marks or those deserving cannot be rewarded by our great country. If its the former, then why do we have these examinations, if they don't quantify a person's intelligence. On the other hand, if the system cannot reward the deserving, then why do we so blindly resist any change to it and follow a course that is doomed from the beginning ??

I believe the problem is in both of these things. Neither is the system of admissions right nor is the system of examinations. Anybody can score good marks in examinations. They need not be intelligent. All you need is a little bit of hardwork and a little bit of determination to beat the system. Whats missing ?? Intelligence, of course. Hardwork and Determination though necessary, cannot or rather, should not take the place of intelligence. Yet, that is what happens. That is what's happening. Then, the system of admissions bases intelligence on these marks. They are aware of this problem with the examinations, so they, in a bid to get the intelligent students, increase the cutoffs to such enormous levels that there is no place for intelligence in the tests for eligibility, but just hardwork. So, how will the intelligent be rewarded ?? Simple, they won't be.

The SAT's are in my opinion, the only true tests of intelligence, among those which i know about. They stress more on concentration than hardwork. Two thirds of the total marks are solely dependent on a person's intelligence, the english section. No matter how much you practice, you can't beat your intelligence in that test. Because its your own ideas, your outlook towards life and your interpretations of stuff that will decide your marks. Compare this to the english examinations of the Boards, where a person who can't speak for more than two minutes in english can score full marks.

India needs its own version of the SAT's for admission to colleges and universities. Because if the stress stays on hardwork instead of intelligence, then this country will stay here rooted to the dark ages, dependent on some truly intelligent people, who haven't been broken by the society, to provide brief bursts of progress. What we probably need the most is a sense of questioning. A sense of understanding as to why something is wrong and why something is happening. If we don't, we'll still remain on the intellectual level of the people who ran our country 500 years ago......

 my fav song........

Self Destruction....

For the first time in a long time i'm struggling to put my thoughts into writing. So much has happened in the past couple of days that i can hardly believe it. Emotions are literally running wild. I can't understand what i'm feeling anymore. Some romantics might say that i'm in love, but i believe its just another bout of some sort of schizophrenia. May i be wrong for once.

Its like a chain reaction, no, a circle when i think of her. First i ask myself if i should trust her with my feelings. I know i should, i know i can. But i keep asking the same questions, does she understand me really ??, what if she betrays my trust ??, what if i end up betraying her ??, what if i don't understand her ??, then i come back to the first one can i trust her ?? My mind is constantly in this endless loop, thats driving me crazy, even more than i already am.

Maybe i don't understand her. Anyway its a well known fact that guys can never understand girls. We may be alike me but she is ultimately a girl. The law of non-understandability will apply to her as well. So i give up ?? Hardly. Let it be the last thing i do, let it be a path of self destruction but i will try to make this girl happy. I'll try to make someone happy for a change, i'll make someone not be disappointed in me for a change. But thats just talk, false bravado, i don't have the slightest idea how i'll do that.

I have a knack for ruining things that are going perfectly well. I guess i'm a classic example of "you don't know what you got till its gone" because i certainly don't. I'm my parents son after all. I guess i'm doomed to spend my life alone in a room full of books and computers. No i'm not doomed, thats what i'll do so that i'm not a burden on anyone else anymore......

Zombies

I'm angry like hell right now. My phone is becoming completely useless now. Just now a whole post got wiped because for some inexplicable reason the program just shut down. And because i don't have photographic memory i don't remember what all i typed in that one. DAMN IT !! I need a new phone and thats it. But how am i gonna get the money ?? God certainly works in strange ways....

Anyway, i'm also in despair because i can quite confidently say that i'm not gonna get admission in any good college or university, which at the moment seems the only way of getting a new phone. Also, i'm horrified at my health coz i can't honestly say i can run for more than five minutes. But among all this hysteria there is a bright light that shines like a beacon in the night in a sea of insanity. That dear readers is the light of friendship.

I've finally seemed to find a person who can listen to me not because she has to but because she wants to. Feels real good. Perhaps she's the true friend i've been looking for, but that only time will tell. Talkin to her has opened new lines of thought. I've also formed a new theory regarding the poor state of affairs around the globe.

The good thing about this girl is she seems to think like me. More importantly, she thinks. I feel like i'm in the company of intellectuals when i'm talkin to her. Its bliss. The very act of thinking has become so foreign to most of us. We don't think about anything. We just go with tradition, thinkin that our ancestors have thought it out, so we don't need to. It never occurs to us that our ancestors could've been wrong.

I've got a theory about people in general. Its not exactly my theory in the first place, the original was about FBI agents but i've expanded it to all humans. I classify all humans into two diverse groups : morphs and empaths. Each person has his own thought process, based on his intelligence, his outlook and his raising. This thought process is the basis of my classification.

First of all morphs. These people are slaves of the system and lack the ability to think out of the box. They accept the world as it is, and refuse to believe that there is anything that can be done to change it. They believe that they don't have a choice but to follow the paths laid down by people before them. They don't try to find out reasons for things happening around them, themselves. They prefer to follow the theories of other people, dead or alive. In short, they have a narrow thought process. They become a part of the system that tries to inhibit the thought process of an individual. They start to do things according to the predefined rules without questioning them. When the questioning process stalls, so does progress. Because questioning is the core of progress as has been proved during the renaissance.

The other types are the empaths. They are the opposites of the morphs. They are what we call free spirits. They don't let the system inhibit their thinking. They don't accept anything without finding a reason for it. They usually fight or raise hell for free thinking. They try to mold the thought process of others such that everybody would think before acting about what they're doing. Their methods are usually unconventional, which don't find many supporters until these methods become conventional. Their ideas are usually greeted with skepticism and quite often with ridicule. So, they're quite often regarded as borderline insane and sometimes completely insane. They quite frequently are unsuccessful in their jobs because of their obvious distaste for their morph seniors and their ethics which often go against the rules of the job.

I consider myself to be an empath. What are you ??

Suicide and Redemption

I don't understand why i don't jump off my balcony. What's stoppin me ?? My condition has gone from bad to worse these last few days....I'm struggling to find reasons to keep going on.

I hate anything i don't understand the purpose of. So right now i'm pretty much hating myself the most among other things. I feel i need a good friend. Its getting unbearable to be alone all by myself any longer. I need a partner in crime. Someone who thinks like i do, who is full of distrust and hate for this world for making growing up so fuckin difficult. Someone who has even the slightest idea about what i'm thinkin will do.

Meanwhile, i guess i'll keep on debating with myself whether or not i'm gonna jump. Its the classic cliff hanger. Perhaps i won't jump. Maybe i'm a coward too. Add that to shot at PR and idiot on paper and you get complete failure. I guess you are none better readin something written by an idiot...

Board Results and Despair

CBSE declared the class XII results today. I scored 86%. Not bad i guess. Its actually astronomical for me but certainly not for my parents. I don't know what would satisfy them. If a guy gets 86% staying online all day and writing blogs, then that means the guy is intelligent. But to my parents that means the guy should have scored more. I say fuck you. I don't want to score more. I don't want to give in to a system where you are as intelligent as your mugging up capability.

My parents are never satisfied. I know i've repeated these words countless times but i'm gonna do this until it becomes a goddamn cliche. Well, i don't know if my parents are satisfied or not. I haven't talked to them for a long time without having a parallel arguement going on in my head. So, i don't listen to what they have to say. To me, they won't be satisfied until they buy me a good phone to get rid of this broken beauty. This eats me from inside. I don't know why we have to impress other people to be happy ourselves. Its like we seek others' approval for actions we took considering them best. Why do we keep second-guessing ourselves ?? You know what i hate ?? I can't let go of this habit despite knowing i have this habit.

What should i do know ?? I'm almost friendless, completely lonely, with nothing to be proud of. A beggar is better off than me. I can't figure out why i bother continue living. It clearly isn't worth all the pain, is it ? Perhaps i'm a coward. I'm too afraid to follow a path not laid down in front of me. But i prefer to think that i hold on because there's some reason holding on to me. But dear reason, would you please reveal yourself ?? My patience is running out.

It almost seems i'm waiting for something. Like some divine light will lighten up the correct path in front of me when the time is right. Right now, i see only fog, like in a crystal ball. Somehow its always foggy unless you're looking into your past.

Yeah i know. I've completely lost it. I don't know whats happened to me, but i feel like i'm far from normal. Today i felt each stage of melancholia taking hold of me one by one like its strangling me. I'm starting to believe in this, maybe i really am suffering from it. Technically i should've been happy about my marks and the fact that i got over 80 but i wasn't and it kept getting worse.

I've added a new email subscription option to this blog so you can receive new posts via email, please register your id if you want to avail this service....so until next time goodbye....

Handwriting Sans

this is my first font......it is partly based on my own handwriting and all the glyphs are hand-drawn.......

Handwriting_Sans_Symbian

Handwriting_Sans_pc

Hero = God....??

I was watchin collateral damage today. Amazing movie. Its a classic example of how desperate we are. How desperately we search for heroes, for someone who we can look up to and place our trust in. You see any action movie, you'll see a common theme. The protagonist is always a hero. He's always determined to do whats right.

Today, we see around us a mad mad world. Yeah, its cliche but what makes it a cliche is its truth. We humans are united in only one thing - our hate for each other, our jealousy for anyone successful, anyone better than us. Competition may be good for productivity, but it sure as hell isn't good for unity. And thats the main thing isn't it ?? Maintaining peace, creating a global unity. When you look at it, that was the purpose of all religions. Every preacher wanted to unite the world because he couldn't see it divided by hate and greed and jealousy and avarice. And yet we see people doing inhuman acts in the name of religion.

Why can't we just take the next person at face value ? Why do we always have to doubt anything someone does better than us ? All we have is hope. Hope that someday some messiah will walk this planet for the sole purpose of uniting it. We hope that there will someday be a man (or a woman) who will show us the correct path. There will be a person who would give his life to save this planet from egoists, who can't look at anything other than themselves. We find such people everywhere, in the movies, in the comics and in our messiahs.

But we can't find a person who doesn't think beyond his own self. I am yet to find a person like that. But i ask myself why can't i be a person like that. Sadly, i don't know the answer. I'm not sure what it would be like when we do find a hero. Will we just forget him in happiness and remember him or even blame him in our sadness, like we do with our Gods ?? I hope not. Because we need a common belief, a common hope if we want to see our planet as a happy place.

...."ramble on my mind".............

thats what i call a haircut !!

post war

Now that all exams are over i thought that i could do whatever i want to. It was that way for the first day but now its back to square one. I'm not allowed to play on the pc, not allowed to read books, not allowed to search for fonts, not allowed to make themes, not allowed to watch tv. Then what the bloody hell am i supposed to do ?? The relief after the exams was short lived it seems, its never gonna

insanity....

There goes BITSAT and so do my hopes for a new phone. I guess i'm stuck with you my friend for some time more. Well, i think i didn't want to get rid of this one anyway. Its been the only friend who's been there for me always. And yeah, now i've completely lost it. See i'm in love with an inanimate object. Though i can't decide whether its a good thing or a bad thing.

What i've decided is a punchline. Its "you know what i hate ??" from shoot 'em up. I think its right too, because there are so little things that i like and don't hate ! So everytime you start a conversation with thats what i'm gonna say. Be ready for it. And don't bother telling me i'm mad, i already know i am.

The situation at home is badly deteriorating. I can't bear to stay in the same room with them for more than 5 minutes cause the conversation invariably strays towards me not studying. I've got no idea what i'm gonna do. The way my parents keep talkin about hostels i think i might go to a prison soon. So, these blog entries are gonna dry up. I haven't got any hope that anybody's gonna miss it though.

I just realised that i've got a morbid mindset going. Frankly i don't know what to do with it. Maybe i'll try to write some death metal but thats a possibility only if my parents don't open the door. I'm also feeling sleepy so i guess i'll just sleep.

So, until next time goodbye. Take Care and don't let my problems get to you !!