makin a mountain out of a ...... err i don't know!!

despair

How i remember those days when we kids would read proudly of our country being the largest democracy in the world. We would beam with pride on hearing words like freedom, sovereignty, liberty and likewise.

I now realise that it was all a facade. How we as kids are brainwashed into believing that everything is alright around us. I used to be proud to be born in a country where everybody gets equal opportunity, everybody is free to speak out their ideas and everybody would be a happy person if they study nicely for 20 odd years. Today i'm ashamed of this country for what it has to offer.

After all how can i be happy with a country which has brought a seemingly bright individual into inches of collapse. I fight my own mind trying to ward off the growing feeling of defeat that has taken hold of my brain. It seems that i'm nothing but a person lost.

I've lost hope for everything. I can't seem to make myself believe that someday i might be a happy man. My heart's filled with despair and ending this all seems to be the easiest way out. But, somehow i've convinced myself that the easiest choice is never the right one, so i live on trying to find a reason to exist.

melancholia

I sadly continue on in this pointless existence. Had my last board today but the feeling we used to have when we were kids is missing. Oh what joy we would feel when it was the last exam. We would be in such high spirits that the final exam would go as well as it could.
But despite finishing with these godforsaken examinations, i'm melancholy. There doesn't seem to be any hope at present or for that matter for the future. Despite everybody's assurances i have this feeling that nothing's gonna change.
Listening to the same things for over two years has numbed my mind to long-term happiness it seems. "these are the two most important years of your life."....."soon its all gonna end and you can enjoy your life after that".......and things like that.
Its ridiculous that i'm sure that nobody is gonna say this stuff in circumstances that really matter, when it really is a matter of life and death. Atleast circumstances that i think will require me to hear these things.
It all makes me wonder if i'm prioritizing the wrong things. Is my goal of spiritual and intellectual fulfillment perhaps misguided ??
For the past year or so i've found solace in things considered insane by the majority. Spending my time constantly on things which i like and are almost always considered time-wastes.
I find myself hoping selfishly that i'm not the only one in such misery. I feel that its not the world's fault that these things have earned themselves such viewpoints. Its just that nobody wants to be in control of their lives contrary to what they believe. Everybody is just flowing with the tide, going where life takes them. One man may say something and everybody believes him blindly. Nobody thinks of the fact that nobody gave that man the right to stay un-questioned.
All of this seems to be a horrific image of the past where everything was believed to be work of God. Everybody would believe the priest or the oracle. Nobody would make any attempt to cure the sick, accept calamities with so much as a nod and make no attempt to make their lives better.
It is i believe the primary reason why everybody loves to criticize but nobody is willing to take action.
But the question i ask myself is that if my path is right why am i still unhappy ?? Shouldn't i be happy that i'm not bound by these supposed shackles of society and am in reality a free soul ?? Would i be happier if i would stay ignorant of all this ? Wouldn't i be happier if i followed the beaten path with no risk ?? Sadly, i don't find the answer to any of these questions but if i have hope for anything then its hope that one day i'll find answers to them and i would truly be a free soul then. I would have attained nirvana..............

When i see these ideas from the world's eyes i see how "heretical" and hypocritical these words sound. So, i be the meek person that i am and don't give this page's address to anyone who doesn't belong to my generation.

......mathematics !!!

I'm again finding it hard to concentrate on studyin .... Mathematics is next on 22nd March and i really suck at this subject.
I haven't got the slightest idea about what's gonna happen in this exam. I find it hard to understand any of the things given in the book. I try my hand at sample papers but it's no good..... I don't know more than half of the stuff. Yeah..... I got a lot of time on my hands but why does God have to make it so difficult to study..........??

physics = hell !!!!

Physics paper the day after tomorrow and i still ain't confident. I don't know why but i can't seem to learn anything ! I have forgotten things i knew earlier and half of the things i didn't know goes over my head. Only GOD can save me now !!!! I haven't got enough practice and i certainly can't achieve that in one day. Hope some miracle happens and we are given an easy paper ...... AMEN !!!!